Once you start to look at the formal framework when writing, it is as good as no longer possible, to get into a writing flow in the first place. It starts with that, that you already revise every paragraph after two sentences, surrounds, dissected. And it is no longer possible, to be creative. I can write a sentence in a hundred different ways. I can slip into any style and enjoy it. Just: i can hardly: Consciously stick to a style. When I was on “Belief” wrote, was a problem of mine, that I actually couldn't have any style at all, I was suspicious, Language too “listen”, while it spoke from me. But then at some point after a long time I discovered (Years), that I can only reinforce an inner expression through manipulation / i.e. technology, through work, the, vice versa: diminishes the creative process. That irritated me very much. It took me a long time, to realize, that I can't transfer my wild feelings into “literature”, although it's only this “wild feeling” war, that pushed me to write in the first place. Just something primitive, It was personal.
Now I'm pretty self-conscious, when it comes to, to write a prose text one more time. The flow would have to write right through me again, but, as I said, Experiences have shown me, that this flow sometimes whirls up small jewels, but at the same time a hell of a lot of mud. In fact, it is mostly like that, that the flow leads to a dead end, that I got completely lost and the clarity was not linked to the flow. But standing in a traffic jam and being slowed down at every word, because no word is fixed and correct, I don't want to either. Something like that wouldn't lead to anything anymore.
I would have to rediscover my content as I write. And so strong, that it leads me away from the labyrinth of a thousand possibilities, how something might sound. But above all I would have to try, easy to write, like a fourth grade student, for example. The possibilities, make better sentences, to sound different, shouldn't seduce me again, because that was one of the main problems with “Belief”. I haven't imitated a single voice, but swayed to and fro, could never make up my mind. Wrote like this for a week, a month like that. For example, I read a Balzac, it didn't turn out well at all, when I wrote afterwards, and, at all, i made the mistake, that I “quality” Literature consumed, Literature with artistic and linguistic quality. I always would have “bad” Station literature consumed, I would never have gotten into this misery. But in terms of content, I was not interested in station literature, I felt compelled, to work on the language, without my knowing, how so. Because at some point I just wanted to go back to the state of the writing fourth grader, wanted to become clear and simple again and use language only as an aid. And actually I still want this. But don't know, whether I can still.
(7.4.21)