I'll try, to gather myself. Then I have to try, to put me away; the pain, tearing my heart apart, who beats my reason to a pulp, the rings of the tree, Cutting through my cell body in electric wound pathways, my nervous system, my organism. But no, I can't find a term, no more than Artaud, to locate the pain of the soul in the body, to attach it to the organic, so I say: I do not know, what hurts me so much, that rivulets of tears, longer than all the ramifications of the Amazon run down over your feet. Is this, this pain, the only, that still makes me? As a human? How odd….. BUT, I have to finish this, must put the human away, must find work, to my testimony. It doesn't have to be a lot, it will not be a novel, but it should be a text, that filth, who i am (Bordi dirt, could c. say) subdued and from which something harmonious arises, even if something melancholy crystallizes. I want … and… I want … in this testimony several times …. walk away from me ……I don't want to be in there anymore, so, like in “Belief”, where i tried, to create me first ……. No, on the contrary ….. I want me …… in my testimony as often as possible to disappear in the lines, in thoughts and sentences. But, what will be the content of these thoughts and sentences? How should I write my testominy, If everything, what i feel this pain, this numbing, meinen Verstand tötende Gedröhn ist? When I'm all hollow beside this woe, completely empty and uninformed, like I can't read ABC anymore, can no longer decipher the basics, because everything slips away from under me, like a piece of earth. This is not the first time in my life, but it rarely came to me: I wished, I wouldn't be myself. I wish I was this and that and this and that other. I wish, I would be many, many other, nobody completely. But if only I didn't have to be myself anymore. Just that. But I can't just break up with myself, like he broke up with me, because I spoiled him, too exhausting and sometimes venomous in anger and he all women more or less “loves” …. I can't just go ahead and take someone else, and say: Here I am! Unbroken queen of abysmal romance, Perfectionist to a certain extent in the romantic era! Clean and smooth and unwounded! I can't stand up, never again. I am buried under the circumstances, that made me this dwarf.
(1.6.2022)