"So you go to the city library after a night's sleep, just to be a little near your friend?“, the ex-shrink asked her during one of her final therapy sessions. She improved him: "Near my ex-boyfriend, yes, exactly! I usually sit at a small dingy table in the basement of the cafeteria, hidden behind a large newspaper.” – “They are waiting for him?“, the not-yet-ex-shrink wanted to know, scribbling something on his agenda as usual. "No. I'm just imagining, like him two floors above me deciphering a multi-volume, and, thousand-page history book …“ – “Oh so.” – “What do you mean with oh so, Mr. Flottmann?" - "I mean, I conclude from your statement, that you visit your partner's vicinity, but at the same time keep him at a distance, in which they do not teach him about it, that you are with him, Why?' - 'That's right, Mr. Flottmann!“, she triumphed, who I know by the way, now back in her element as a patient. “Because he knew, that I am near him, he would drop his work and join me in the cafeteria downstairs!"And that makes you uncomfortable?The ex-shrink rolled his legs, who, as always, wore a first-class Töffleder outfit. "Oh well, You have to understand it this way: when i am between me and my ex, who is also my best friend, my best buddy and my only friend as well as my former platonic, create this artificial distance, I'm not doing this for fun. On the contrary, I probably want to test it subconsciously, if he doesn't add to all this again, what he already is to me, could become my lover! After all, we would both be everything to each other!Rambo Flottmann smiled brightly. "And you don't think so, that you cause pain to your friend with your shenanigans? I hope you understand, that your friend is very serious about you!" - "My ex, Mr. Flottmann, my ex!"-" Yes, her ex…" - "Pains? gimmicks?“, asked the patient. “You are so negative, doctor! Apart from that, I see at this artificial distance, that I create between me and my ex is also a work-related measure … and this is not just a gimmick, you agree with me? Or how do you see it?" - "I see, that we are dealing here with a classic proximity-distance problem. You've been telling me about it for many years, How badly you want to leave your boyfriend …' - 'My ex-boyfriend, Mr. Flottmann, my ex ..!“She would have loved it, to smack her shrink's thigh out of anger or high spirits. But that would have been a little too familiar. "And, your ex, that you are telling me about, how much you would like to be in a romantic relationship with him again. How many years have you been telling me about your temporary arrangement together?, where you alone are in charge, Closer to your faithful friend as the mood takes you, then set further limits, in which you once considered him Platonic, then as best friend and finally even as ex-boyfriend. But you are always there, to leave your boyfriend …"-" I? My friend, ähh, leave ex boyfriend?“, she cried angrily. "When should I have said, that I him, my best and most loyal friend, just leaving!? And I did?! So I've never left him before, you should know that! I mean, I'm leaving a nice, loyal person, who loves me, and whom I stopped kissing a long time ago for God's sake, not just like that and certainly not a second time!? Leave your beloved ex about, just, because you don't have them anymore, so Gott will …“, the applicant sighed deeply, “… being able to taste through all ether? Sorry, that I mention God here, but I'm very concerned about this, very close!" - "Well and", said Flottmann diplomatically, “Of course there are conflicts in a relationship, that make a separation between two people inevitable. I don't necessarily include the example you mentioned.” – “Not?! What else?“ – “Outgoing from one side, ongoing lack of trust.” – “Oh, right!' The applicant whistled something through her teeth. "So no, you are on the wrong track, Mr. Flottmann, trust, I have that in him!"Are you so sure about that?"? Whatever trust means to you: it would have to be worked on, because your pattern is always the same!' - 'My pattern? i have a pattern? what would that be?' She really whistled through her teeth. "Since you don't know, what trust is, you cannot desire your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. You chose him, because he is loyal to you like a dog. Because you can do with it, what you want, strictly speaking. You have him for sure. You see that as an advantage. And yet, precisely because of this, he comes too close to you with every approach he makes. Because with each approach you remember it, that you are not free, how you want it to be, but dependent. Namely from your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend, his promises and his mental support. So go find other men, preferably at night and in dive bars.” She yawned. "But that's long gone, Flottmann! At that time I was still a fatal woman!Flottmann ignored this comment. “These men want to take you and give yourself to them, but can't do it, since you don't allow closeness with men either because of your fear of intimacy and your fundamental lack of self-confidence, to whom you are a complete stranger. You don't trust such men. These men would have to gain your trust first through elaborate, persistent effort to win and prove again and again from scratch. Without that complete security and unconditional devotion on a man's part, you can't get involved with him, although that's exactly what it is, what you really want: surrender to a man, who cannot give you exactly this security and devotion and who you therefore despise …"But that's the man I'm going to love.", someday!?”, she exclaimed enthusiastically. “Or do you think so?, there will never be a strange man, who is able, to give me this security and devotion, within a moment, in which I need it, to give myself to him?!' She was really very into that moment, very battered. Dejected she said: "I admit, that I haven't been able to do so yet, to become the man himself, that you just described; a stranger so to speak, a cold-blooded man, me as a woman! I still want the tamer, to be the man's child and problem child. I don't want to be a grown man for the man! Stupid, i have to tell you, but that's how it is Mr. Flottmann! Apart from that, for me there is only one moment, a small window of time, where I can physically touch something, everything and nothing decides for me! It could be over in the next moment, and I have to flee because of the symptoms!Rambo Flottmann objected: "And, You have to flee, but not because of your symptoms. Its symptoms are just mental catharsis, with which you free yourself from the guilt of your dissolute life. Deep inside you are told by the voices of your father and grandfather, two solid people, that you are doing something wrong, when you indulge in adventurous fun, without having done anything for it beforehand. Also you know exactly, that it is morally wrong, Desire to give in unbridled!Rambo Flottmann seemed a bit old-fashioned to her with this remark. She said snippy: "Interesting interpretation, that you have there! I can only affirm a lot, except for the ending. But like I said: the reason, why i deal with these strangers and by myself, as you claim, coveted, despised, haha, don't really let men in, is not, because I'm having a silly joke, that would make me cry from the overwhelm, didn't deserve, but because me, before it could happen, got these damn symptoms!"-" No.! You only have your symptoms, to punish yourself!" - "Punish, me?! Now it gets even better!“, she exclaimed. "Why should I be so stupid and punish myself too, I have neither custom nor morality nor any guilt and am only punished enough by the symptoms and therefore by this body alone?! No, Mr. Flottmann, so I won't let you put me off. Not after so many years! What do you think is really behind it?“
(2013, Blind application, Belief)