Beaurivage, Thun, 1996
8.12.1996
Write on these trips. The days spent in the lightless. Drive out into the nights; the lights have already closed. So I drive from the lightless day into the closed rooms of the night. And want to shine.
9.12.1996
If only I wasn't so disoriented. Alone I seek peace, but then, at night, I want to share something. A word, that outlasts what is said, i want to hear. I can hope, that a person looks around in his life, like a miracle?
Disoriented, because I feel something and they trigger something in me, these strangers.
Swans and dolls, that slide away. Alone brings back life and desire, not to leave people. Only in me is everything familiar with everything.
12.12.1996
And yet I live without any access to almost everyone. Can't get more of them than a sip of water. The years go by: I don't join forces with anyone, find no brothers, no equal. I sleep in a high, beautiful room next to a room, in which a man sleeps, Who didn't even speak true to me. (But what would be true?) Only one wall separates our night breath. I bought the man a little something, with real eyes.
13.12.1996
I drive away. It feels good, to be on the train, the questions held up, let the goal roll lightly. Heavy things get lighter in the wind, makes the leaves agile and the stagnant air more agile. I don't need to know for a moment's brief, if these rails will take me anywhere and if the journey ends somewhere. The place behind me and the decision lie motionless, that he forces me to do, is averted. The air is clingy, from the train window. It washes up land, a group of trees by the roadside. I drive, because the question worries me; pulls at me; is it better to go or stay? When I go, I don't go then, to settle somewhere? I want to leave, in the hope, To lose my heart somewhere ... to things, who make life their own, costly, adorable. And if I stay, what do I find? If i stay, my heart beats. (because of him). And when I go, beats it too …
15.12.1996
So we mix with the fresh water scent and let our faces clear from the angular mountains of snow at night. Weeping willows hang over the lake, Swans accompany our silence. Again and again I am in love with you for a single big second, while you gesticulate and speak loudly, drive the clouds apart with your rough one, superimposed pathetic kind, your boiled chest, to whom you hit like a Russian, you mighty drummer.
31.12. 1996
One last easy day, and what is hidden under the snow ....
I went to the snow today, I wanted to slip into it. But it was so easy, drove away. I felt soft and solemn. But I didn't love a man that year. Why are you banging? It's just the illusion of time ....
15.1.1997
I am lost, alone in the big house. Every day tries to find its place. But the shadows have prevailed today. I am reading a book, without following, while it's getting dark. I follow myself nicely into an increasingly clearer sadness, I was compliant and agile and offered to him (the day) my powers, I didn't stop him, I always stayed behind him in a dark forlornness.
17.1.1997
The things, who have to change in the new year, are postponed until later. There: everything around me has to change. Everything is going there, That I'll leave this place, I can not wait any longer. Because there is nobody here at night, who watches with me.
Desireless, do you not accept me, feel excluded from your casual handshake. But if it goes on like this, I can only live inside, like a receding water. I have already forgotten, to breathe loudly. I walk quietly in a quiet emergency ... soon ...
20.1.1997
I'll be able to tell you one evening, can dare, easy and loving: “Sleep well then!“? How can I sleep so close to him, where he crouches in my consciousness?! He, on the other hand, has something that grows up. He has truly become Almighty, already from its heavy, black presence. Where he emerges from his music, with his wine-chewed lips, he swallows all the little fish. If only I could invent a voice for him. He poured tea water for me here, multiple times. I stood by and passed away, because his body, this whale, so breathes. I will go soon. One house further.
(MJS, 21year old)