The only, what I realized after so many years, is, that my brain is disabled.
Of course there is physical illness, but this is relatively clear (Myalgic E. according to the international consensus criteria).
In return, I never understood the obstruction of my brain.
It seems so to me, as if I were missing certain important pathways or structures in my brain. As if whole parts of my brain were empty. (and so I cannot fall back on them).
In principle, all my thinking takes place before thinking. It's kind of a rudimentary translation from the sensual, Intuitive, a rapid emergence and glowing up. My intuition is even faster, than my emotion. And the problems in regulating emotions emerge from the problem of this brain: I can not think. My thinking doesn't crystallize, does not sit down. It's not causal thinking. It is only: sensual perceptions!!!
And so: I could see the world to myself, that i lived in, do not think.
Teacher and educator, Work bosses and psychoshrinks have not explained it to me: that my brain is disabled. I had to find out for myself. And it took a lot, many years.
Long before the physical illness, it was very exhausting for me to live with this brain: on the one hand I felt, that something is wrong with it, on the other hand, I felt compelled, to conceal this peculiarity…. my schoolmates had five minutes, to understand the context of a historical battle, I had 3 Hours, where I forgot every minute. I finished last in orienteering; dies, even though I had the fastest legs. To read a roadmap, for me is like sinking in mud.
Of course it is, that I made a virtue out of necessity, (by saying to myself: i wanna be different), aber da ich nirgendwo erfolgreich war und an meinem Leben litt, I assume, that I did not wrest my freedom out of reasonable deliberation. Or even out of boldness.
I had white deserts in my brain, Erosionen, when I was confronted with the demands out there. I didn't have access to these structures, who created human societies for humans. It felt like that to me, as if these structures weren't made for me. And so I had to create myself, without being able to fall back on the pillars or codes of these structures.
It takes a lot of strength, to be yourself. I mean: really yourself.
Like my brain, Whole parts are missing, so I can't think (or just, when I can feel sensually, translate sensual perception, but that's not thinking), so I slip myself…… as soon as I try, to peg me.
I will always be a ghost, of course, for me too, as long as there are no people, who deal with me. And no, who let it, that I deal with them.
I have to write in the past tense. Too many years and decades have passed now. And I need the past tense, for all that was lost, Check off the unclear. My life was a mistake. I was an animal, and tried to be human. Kind of like that. To be human, who tries to think, I used enormous amounts of energy. At some point my brain never came to rest, and then the nocturnal REM phases also stopped.
I'm really tired.
Very very tired.
With the daily CNS rockfalls, den Flu-Symptoms, cellular weakness-sickness etc.. Is it very difficult, to feel once, that one is tired.
(22.3.21)
