The summer adrenaline surges are over.
The problem is not physical torture, the breakup of the solar plexus, Swallower, Muscles, Tendons and ligaments of the neck and shoulders and arms, the simultaneous mortar and gluing, which makes breathing difficult…..
the problem is the spot, where consciousness tells me again: I'm beyond safe ground again, in the catchment area of death.
And I don't want to be! I don't want to be in death with my consciousness!
Not much is necessary, to reach the safe haven: raise your arms again, slightly better swallowing coordination, etc.. a pinch less weakness…..
there, beyond the partition bar lies the realm of functionality, the realm of distraction from sinking and capsizing! I was there this summer for about 80 percent thanks to the lion-like hyperadrenergic push. It was unhealthy, but the better way, to be unhealthy!
This realm, in which functionality takes place, has an enormously large extent. Beyond the dividing bar, it expands towards the horizon…..
…. the deeper you get in there, all the richer, all the more exciting, fuller and risky life!
Here, where I am, on this side of the bar nothing happens, that I would have to announce.
This dividing line, separates my consciousness from my life. Peeled my consciousness bloody from life that, if it looks like that:
Going back crawling on all fours on the banks of the functional realm!!!
I don't want to be aware of it, that I'm back in Hades. But there is this dividing line.
My body could always be in Hades? And yet my consciousness remains on the other side?!
Then I wouldn't have to perceive death:
As what?
As a threat, Of course!
As fear, Of course!
As uncertainty, Of course!
As depression, Of course!
I haven't been depressed in a long time, probably for a whole summer.
I'm there like Camus’ Merseult; the sun is my life. The light is my god.
Of course, it is due to the physical weakness, the falling apart of the cells, the feeling and stinging of every thought, the depression or the crying.
Just as a physiological reaction.
Life as such has not caused me any pain for a long time.
For me there is only the here and beyond of this dividing bar. The crawling on the bank of the big picture (organism) or enduring in Hades.
A little more physical strength, and i would get away with it, Thanatos himself would be good-natured enough and would be able to do without me for longer
…… I could romp on the beach, where the other handicapped people romp.
But this land is out of reach. I can never stay there that long, until I realize: i'm alive again. I am saved!
I stop, to plan my demise with Exit!
But only incidental and fragmentary stays there, not enough.
I became conscious, That I've sunk back down.
Now the depression should follow, because death in my consciousness; for me that is depression.
Of course the cause is: death in the body. The body reports to the consciousness.
However, there is a moment in falling back into Hades, where this death
has not yet reached my consciousness.
So why does it even arrive?
There would be freedom under such hellish conditions, that consciousness is liberated
from fear of death? Even if the body mediates death.
(26.10.21)
Image noartdesign 2018