Diary: 16.6., with a salted fried egg

… I made it a hundred meters from the house. A pleasant wind swept towards me, the eyes flickered; They do not succeed (more), Objekte, People, To accommodate shapes and curves – Not, when I go – and the eyes must go with me without a doubt – Not, When the world goes around me, moves; i think of a human, completely without eyesight, and the temptation it creates, to implode, to fall away completely into a world within ….!

In cyclical, Recurring and persistent intervals are no longer possible for me; to see! to feel! to taste! to listen!

who would have thought, that our senses entirely from our power plants, the mitochondria, depend? Who would get the idea?, that through a – possibly simple – Malfunction of the cell power plants of our body, sensual life is destroyed in one fell swoop or creeping …

… I say: sensual ….,

… because I experienced life as such from an early age: As an existence-of-something, that I sense … explore … ertaste … maybe reach … through sensual approach.

My whole mental existence was not revealed to me through thinking itself, sondern nur durch sinnliche Erkundungen – understanding was nothing! – And: Understanding is nothing … still nothing …!

… not even now, where I no longer understand, what dying is going on with me.

Have no strength, in the sense of myalgic encephalomyelitis, means, that it strength me, annoy, Energy costs, when my cat Hopfi strolls over me while lying down and nudges me euphorically with his nose …

…I flinch angry and exasperated, it's a pain, that goes through a body, who has no outside anymore …

See. (Eye / nerves) Feel something. (hands, Skin / nerves) Listen to something. (Hearing / nerves) Go. (Muscles / nerves).

Sometimes I can no longer think of an organ system, that I still “actuate” could use, no organ system, that one regeneration can achieve more …

There is no medical help in sight for miles around, and myalgic encephalomyelitis, G.93.3 a highly complex disease, which is ridiculed here in Switzerland as burnout and women's suffering, when I am no longer there three times.

If I can make it a hundred meters from home thanks to a salty fried ice cream, this reminds me, that I have always had the highest and the smallest demands on life at the same time …

(and now it is the highest and smallest claims, I give up!)

What kind of claims these HAVE BEEN?

I'll tell you, as soon as the thought blows by again, Marion Jeanne …..