You're crumbling, father. I feel sad.
—-
But you led me by the rope.
The mountains were too high. Too far on foot.
I got sick from these peaks.
—-
And now. Look over us, you and me.
Stupid, that I could never give you anything.
If I had reached a summit, one of the visible…
____
What should I do, when and how?
In the case, that one day you shouldn't be anymore.
The world will sink into chaos.
Without your sermon.
You are the speaker, who tolerates no adversary.
Your speech was lonely. You appeared so cold in her.
In Jassen we angered you with our mistakes.
These mistakes were an immeasurable flaw for you.
We ran from the table, crying.
But then; what haven't you built, of hands!
Even a little wooden house for us children in the garden!
I gathered up my courage and spent the night in it.
I was in need abroad. And you took me home.
In a night and fog action.
I was already a big woman.
But not for you.
And not for me either.
—-
You believed, I didn't want to go up anymore, In the mountains.
Do you really believe that??
If you only knew!
—
But there is no point, when I talk about it.
I also feel this immeasurable flaw.
Just: Whom do I make cry with this??
___
then there was this night, and you got me
yelled at: what did you do wrong in your life?
Who is my daughter! I don't know my own daughter!!!
I was very weak, physically, in these hours.
So weak, as you can not even imagine.
No, I have never been so strange to you, experienced so cruelly.
___-
father: There was too much difficulty in this word for you, too much commitment!
You never said it, that you don't like the word.
But I felt it.
But what does that change now, if I do not: Father say?
_____
I lived under my father's roof for years.
I knew his good ones, sparkling whims, his passion,
that indomitable, light-footed charm, that he could display.
I knew his anger, his physical agony, its pressure;
power! always! 100%. Always the two P: Pedantry and perfection. (but not in the emotion).
Grandfather, the tyrant, still shaking the whip, in him.
—-
I haven't touched your heart, we both know.
Maybe that's why I'm sad.
I didn't dare, to take it in my hands. What would have happened?
father, suddenly soft? Full of emotion? Maybe not…..
You haven't taken my heart in your hands.
And so we will remain strangers to each other.
—
What should we do?
Funny, we will both die.
We, that we did so so, like we're immune.
We are two weak.
What's that but weak, if one is not able, to live in community?
We had such a big defect.
And our immune system was sick.
_—–
I do not know, whether you lacked human warmth.
You were programming all the time, you immersed yourself and refurbished broken computers
to new machines.
You loved that. This tinkering and handicrafts. Always complicated, more awkward ways.
—-
I was looking for warmth, untold warmth. The maternal aspect of men.
But I also wanted a just and opinionated man.
One, who knows and can do everything.
—-
I have often wished you had a son.
But maybe he would have made you feel competitive…
____
I can still see the mountains.
The mountains too, that stand between you and me.
—-
My heart freezes, when i think of love,
I couldn't give you.
—-
I want you without constraints, know without pressure.
In safety, that you always had to give yourself tirelessly.
No one else could. You wouldn't have assumed that.
Your damn father left you, then you were just a child.
You swore to yourself: I will never need help again.
—–
The peaks are further afield for you.
While they still loom in front of me.
—-
But what should I do?
I can't go up on anyone.
—
How can I move the unchangeable?
mountains—-
The longest speech bubble takes from me to you.
—-
A thousand unsaid things.
And the wrath of the gods.
—-
You resign, someday?
But you don't! Not so easily.
—-
You have controlled every area of your life, managed.
You were creative.
____
now you're crumbling. And you have to feel that.
— Did I tell you something about fathers? (or just about you?)
—- Life betrays everyone.
—–
But you led me on the rope!
And there I have you: 100% familiar.
(12.6.21)
W