4.3.2000, Bern
Dear Doctor
My subject in the letter: How, do you believe, should i love it, that feels inside of me, when the world doesn't love it? I'm fucking angry right now, because to me the world in everything, what shape I imagine for her, Mode, Seductiveness and beauty, joke, Drama, pain, Enjoyment etc., just disobeyed! She wants to go to the dogs in pure functionality, There you are! But I'm starving! After a whole, very serious pleasure!
Oh yes, something else: Somehow I still don't know, what kind of gainful employment I could do. You asked me the other day, to think about it, whether I get the job at Ryffliyhof, Coop City, Department store, does not want to accept. However, I've come to the end: i'm too lively, too bulky to be on the assembly line, speak; to stand at the cash register! Of course I know, that something other than the retail trade or at best a hairdressing apprenticeship in the second course does not correspond to my school level. But you know: I'm almost terrified of losing my life as a cashier in a large department store! I just want to go there, to shop for beautiful dresses, which I put on in an instant, where my life matters! Und ich etwas von mir bieten kann, may and must!
Wowowowow! What a superficial goose I am! doctor! But when I sit at the cash register in a department store and type in amounts and say hello and goodbye for eight hours a day, almost every hour I feel an unspeakable fear deep inside me! The death, who almost always speaks through my fragile body, then lie in wait for me with all your might, under extreme discomfort! I could have the miserable treasure trove of my life, that I can't look for in this time, because paid work prevents me from doing it, to lose! Forever!
The job requires all my physical and nervous strength, but I cannot be, without chasing anything like the miserable treasure of my life, to search, to surround!
doctor, if I had enough physical strength I would sit at the cash register eight hours a day and search for life, that I may never find, den Lohn kassieren. And then I'd hop around for the next eight hours, kiss a little, and eight hours of free cashing on top of that! And all of that would make a lot of sense in the Force!
You say, it is now, at twenty-six, slow time for me, grow up. And, gut, I'm late, you're right. But I don't want to give up my free pasture spots, just to function on the same level as the “big ones”. I would have that bad feeling, I only do this to please them! They would only applaud, because I work like them, was, even if I tried so hard, would never be the case. But I want to please them in a completely different way. You know what I mean, doctor?
Sincerely, J. Storm
(2000, Edges-Collection)