Death has been coming to me since 30 Years ago as a life-preventing unsolvable problem. From that moment on, when I recognized him, about with 11 Years, was I
a: prevented from doing so, to become an efficient member of this society, b: to do something else, than to turn in the circle of escapism possibilities, c: unable to achieve my goals in the deathless world, d:—–
The main issue: death is not at home. So I'll never be able to say, that I'm going home now. On the contrary, for me, death is the event, that will happen then, when all life “forgot from me” (Expressed jelink-like). The home is, if there is any, anchored in childhood: about between 2. and 8. You are still united with your own mother, and, that mother, who pushed you out back then, and which later crumbled into the incomprehensible into / out of the incomprehensible in front of the eyes of her child as old age …. this mother completely covers GOD'S REPLACEMENT in the first few years. What a miracle.
Of course I weakly wonder, why and where I caught such an obstructively senseless conception of death in early puberty? What should have been different, so that I project death with paradise? No later than twenty, than myalgic encephalomyelitis, g.93.3, a systematically misunderstood disease, in which one does not die for years to decades, but the metabolic processes are so reduced, that you can't get out of bed or house either, would have an idea of heaven with the 10 Angel young men and a god on top of that took away most of my problems?
Not the meaningless existence au Camus, this beautiful glorious antiquated timeless truth, is the problem. No, I could do more with that 50 Live strictly and well for years! The external absurdities could not be absurd enough for me! But with such lost and shabby health over several decades, where I usually cry every day, Throw up, Shit, Convulsions, Lying dead and breathing, like an unrecognizable ghost, the meaningless life would suddenly need compensation, a fallacy or superstition, at least!!!!!
I would find the question interesting, whether I am 17. Century would have lived better, respectively my belief in God was something like constitutive (one can use the word in the context?) would have been. I doubt and think, that the lack of belief in God is an affinity with me, that comes from nowhere. I would probably have been an agnostic by now, when the earth was still thought of as a disk or the largest and only of all suns! I imagine, that one struck with disbelief by providence, especially poor woman in the baroque age must have died very, very quickly….
Faith and modernity can certainly be combined. How I see it, there are numerous modern people, who can think of anything, that they believe in, they even form into BELIEF GROUPS. An irrational one, Childlike hope or a break in logical thinking makes even very rational people seem to get through the most distressing and degrading situations in life …. okay, the rest don't care about ontological and ultimate questions …but: HOW DO THEY DIE?
my God. (they will have to be dead and forget of themselves, to be able to die out of life!!)
I think a stupid amalgamation of unprepared naivety and innocence paired with destructive nihilism makes for the inability and the impossible. Didn't Doctor So-and-so say to Effi Briest when she started to get sick: “And please no difficult reading! Trip descriptions only!” He was right, of course! So fragile, delicate, enjoyable, Feather-child women like Effi and I, who are only intended for sensual experiences, should never come into contact with contemplation and research into existence!!!!
I looked at the cold moon, and that then drew me into this obsessive thing! It may be due to the indescribable life- and emotional coldness of a closer environment, internalizing death as a threat. Hugs between their own producers, just dullness and absurdities and bad teachers in school … no French kisses or holding hands in the most important first years of love between 10 u 18, no role models, giving one life on its own, gripping, magnetic way ….
For the first ten years, love must be stronger than death, the fun is greater than the alienation, desire and curiosity stronger than fear and pain …. And yet that still doesn't explain thanatosphobia —
(13.1.2020)