After many years of writing off (Automatic writing), circular letter, I have myself at “Belief” struggled to do so (through deliberation), that I have to create chapters in some way, which have in themselves something like an end and a beginning.
With that I created problems for myself for years to come. Because then I always had material left over, which fell down between the individual chapters. material, which then was not enough for further chapters. Had this material been the decisive factor? In retrospect, I think, that I've lost so much material, had to leave, just, to put some kind of structure on its feet.
Which was also lost, is the temporal connection within the chapters. Sometime did the early chapters, the chapters of Frechjeanne, Looked old and I tried it through a 2nd narrator, an alterego, with the mature Jeanne, to connect the tearjeanne. This alterego should take over the narrative voice for as long, until I or my protagonist have finally arrived at the current time…. would; in dem Moment würde sie sich aufgelöst haben.
I then turned that back again, because it didn't open either.
I actually wanted- in belief- for each of my me a different me, from which it follows, that the protagonist changes, so, how time changes, but what would that have on “Beginning” changed, the dissolute “Initial character” history? I tell im “Belief” the story of an anti-social, who later becomes physically ill and also make it clear, that I am autobiographically in this story, fully. Also, what can i expect, when I tell the story of an anti-social?! That someone wants to publish something like that?! I should have left that narrative voice in there, a narrative voice, faster than time, in which I developed (slow as a snail)! A narrative voice, which explains and objectifies the protagonist's crap, to save the first three chapters after all.
Impossible is possible for me, to create a prose structure again!
Impossible too, to create a structure, to the content-related uneventfulness, to be covered by a linguistic form.
It is impossible for me, to think of a template for a story a second time, at one point, where my past is over, my presence doesn't dawn one more time.
So how do I write, a: a longer prose text without content? b: without temporality? c: everything relevant to me is said; just: only said in one way… I write the same; just: in another way?
Then I have to say: the content makes the structure! He must!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because when the content doesn't make the structure; then I'm lost anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my case, the content should even have been one: stronger than the structure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (just because of all my formal-logical errors / the lack of content, etc.)
Of course I could choose a diary form. But I'm already writing a diary!! Simple: without thinking!!! The only difference would be then, that I do that, what I say spontaneously, think about form and content!! That I distance (aesthetics) bring into the whole. But I can, in that moment, IN WHICH I AM CREATIVE? What a mess this creates, when I post it in the text body (Intuition) intervene with the brain (reason)?) It's a downright disorder!!!!!
Comes to my mind, that I also follow this strategy (Overwork through distancing) with my ex-partner “quarreled” have: I have in hindsight, sometimes during the conflict, tries to fall back on this form of distance. I switched, by trying, the dangerously unregulated, To separate emotions that strike at lightning speed from this one:One character….. your FIRST POW!!! I tried, To take myself back in the moment and introduce myself, I am someone else, a neutral interlocutor…. I struggled for my head…..
… while my heart was pounding, pochte, pochte…..
(all use nothing.)
(6.4.21)