I'm going black until further notice (possibly brown) wear. With the black dress I want the social denial of my being for myself (the human being, who i am) symbolize on the outside, on the one hand, secondly, sadness at my lost physical grace as a woman. Of course there is a connection between the two points …..
For me personally it would actually be now, With 47 as well as the experiences, which I through the “male” meritocracy made, the moment has come, to the “Mannsein” to convert. According to Butler, nothing should stand in the way of that. I'm just wondering, how Butler imagines that exactly:
Imagine, that from today I will announce to those around me, I am a man now; not a single person far and wide would be able to corroborate this emotionally. Of course I could outwardly imitate male features to a certain extent, male clothing, haircut, gestures etc ….. I could use it in a certain scene, the such “character” can decode, maybe as “47year old converted man” be accepted, I just shouldn't say, that I would have liked to have remained a woman, but only, if my body had continued to be beautiful and seductive as an aging woman.
Studies speak of a strikingly widespread loneliness among older women, in the second half of life, they can no longer find partners. You want and need to be loved now for that, what they are. But that's a fake….. Women are hardly ever loved for that, what they are (Banker, manager, president, Chief Physician, etc.). But, because they are no longer beautiful, physically, they are no longer seductive, and cannot be loved, so without charm.
One can say, Charm and grace come from within. But that's not the case. Age can mar your body/face so badly, that there is simply no longer any congruence between the outside and the inside.
I would have to be loved for it now, what I am, because I can no longer seduce. However, if I think about it carefully, i am nothing…. and even, if I had become a banker …. this would be nothing to me …. Nothing, that I want to mark my identity with.
For me there is only an aesthetic point of view.
I do not know, like a woman 45 can look in the mirror, without being plagued by intense suicidal thoughts.
This late one, mature look in the mirror speaks: your value is lost, your shine, your shine. And everything, what you can do now, is, to focus on human characteristics. I am so many years behind on my quality: theoretically to convert to the opposite sex, because an ugly old man has this universal masculinity, that outlasts woman's time-bound grace, in fact, masculinity is even superior to being human. A man must and does not ask himself, what he is loved for, because this question simply does not arise for him, the question, who he is as a person, is irrelevant to him.
So I could say, I'm fed up, to be the woman longer, which an androcentric world view has made me, I could go to Butler, say from today in my environment, I am now an ugly old man, which I like a thousand times better, than being an ugly old woman…. and I could drop my panties, and provide the proof, that all that, what Butler imagines so beautifully, madness is: because I would still have the genitals, assigned to women.
Has anyone ever claimed, this genital is potent? This genital could penetrate the opposite sex? This genital, that has grown so completely into the interior of the body, could be a symbol of strength, growth, Kraft, superiority, be of universal size?! This genital can't even demonstrate its power to the outside world, it eats up the power, coming from the penis, yes, literally into his body …. that penis, that a woman so lacks …… (And, clear, Freud was right).!!!!!!
Accept, I am a man from today, and having a female hormonal cycle, which influences my feelings and even my thinking in an incredible way, would be about as asserted: as of today, this pen is god!
Of course you can tell a toddler with a vagina: You are a boy. So, as you can say to a boy, if he grows up completely hermetically, you are a ballpoint pen! But what does that change about the genitals, the biological characteristics of the two human beings? Biology is not just an abstract theory! It is deeply rooted and linked to emotions!
You say (Butler u Co.), biology is secondary, and the culture has to change like that, that man can decide for himself, whether he wants to be female or male? And, but, why then the definitions at all: Female, male or binary? Then why these assignments?
You can't imagine it, or? That the man should no longer exist as a myth? That its symbolic power no longer exists, that it stops working?! Look out! And you will have to admit: No! One cannot imagine a world without the symbolic power of the masculine.
And how should one introduce oneself, that women no longer exist as objects of seduction and charm?
However, that is just an idea, which becomes reality for every woman in her mid-40s, it's for her, as if she already had to bury a large part of her humanity, and walk crippled the rest of the twenty to fifty years…… It's a time of self-amputation, the, like almost everything, in women, invisible and silent, going on ….
And that's why; and because I was unsuccessful, neither as a woman nor as a person, I supply my colors.
The art is the place, which is located beyond all categories. The other must live in it. But what should you do there?, if no one can then decipher and understand, what this art tells him/her? Dann führt der Verzicht auf alle kategorischen Zuordnungen nur zu einem weiteren, much worse loss of identity ….