Would have always liked to have been a night watchman in a psychiatric ward with young people. Coincidentally, I was only a patient myself. Most nurses were either cynical, extinguished or sadistic. Rarely did one get a smile on a closed one. The staff was more like prison guards or security. I would have done this job with passion. I think, I've had a natural approach to weirdos. I liked them better than the normal ones. Much rather. The normals have made me self-conscious and neurotic. The sick free and happy.
Nevertheless, I am no longer allowed to go to a psychiatrist, just, to finally be among people again.
Only extreme nervous excitement and fear made me go to the psychiatrist.
Oddly enough, such enormous pressure and tension crises no longer grip me, since I've been so physically ill.
I often think, that I can no longer experience this pressure, since my existence is lost. It was a form of nervous excitement, Struggling and shaking for months, it was that deep seated pressure, to have to live, although I really wanted to….
….it was the back pressure, the paradox….the insane fear of dying from the physical excitement and high voltage, plain, because it was unbearable (processed in Circulus V/ belief).
But then, When the time came, that my body gave out, when the HP axis stopped responding and drained the stress hormones, when the shutdown came….I was never able to generate this fear in my body again.
It was like this, like I lost the competition.
And when I visited the old places of the Waldau today, war ich auch etwas nostalgisch neben der Ratlosigkeit.
Ich sprach mit mehreren ‘Eingeweihten’, sie sprachen mit mir.
Dies tat mir wohl, denn hier in Ghost City herrscht eine Art Sondendasein; ein jeder in seinem Studio für sich, leere, schwarze Gänge, in denen man ab u zu das Geräusch eines elektrischen Rollstuhls hört.
Hier in Ghost City scheint eine Art Verwaltungsleben auch die (v.a.) körperlich Handikapierten ereilt zu haben. Die meisten sind angeschlossen an den strikten Tagesplan des angrenzenden Heims. The rest works normally abroad.
J only. sits in his wheelchair on the terrace in the afternoon and drinks his three beers. When I passed his apartment today, he called after me happily. Then I saw, that he is so fat, that his tiny sex remains hidden under the firn of his belly. I do not know, whether he cannot or does not want to put on his underpants. He is missing a lower leg on one leg.
Definitely have to win something, necessarily be able to anchor and share life in the greatest possible intensity with someone or several, who also have to live with this intensity; aber zu erkennen, dassdie Umwelt “to” ist für diesen Äther; dass ich all das alleine leben muss: this was roughly part of the crises. Dass mir dieses Dasein durch die Hände rann und ich bis auf wenige wie der manische Cetin, Louis Q., etc.abblitzte und hinabgemurkst wurde auf diese mir unverständliche Ebene der Funktionalität und körperlichen u nervlichen Daseinsselbstverständlichkeit- u-favor.
Es tönt etwas larmoyant, but most did not want paradise, no vibration, no intoxication…..
….oder dann eben nicht mit mir, oder ev.heimlich…
Immer schlug man auf und kam in der Realität an und wurde gezwungen hinzublicken auf das Zweckmässige, Eindimensionale und an mangelnder Schönheit zuerst traurig zu werden, dann selbst zu verderben.
I guess I've read too many French novelists. And, es sind die französischen… nicht die deutschen…gut, vielleicht Fontanes Effi und Stine…und Thomas Manns Aschenbach und Zauberberg, Naturally…..hab vergessen, was ich alles las zwischen fünfundzwanzig u fünfunddreissig.