After many weeks, I finally got an answer to my request for a period of clarification: half a year, a year, two years or more. The answer was evasive and deeply unnerving: since the clarifications can be postponed again and again, is it [called, is it not possible to answer my question. Now this answer surprises me, since an internal somatic report from my family doctor has been available for more than three months. In this report, the points, why there is no longer any perspective in life for me, meticulously recorded (there is no perspective, because the level of physical functioning is too low due to the somatic disease, continuous, to participate satisfactorily in social life. It's not just part of that, that I don't work, minimal volunteer work can do, but also, that I have no inpatient stays, no downtime, no holidays, no self-discovery courses and what there is, can take advantage of, to escape from this mad lion cage. Diese Erkrankung ist über Jahre chronifiziert, sometimes due to wrong treatments/training/too strict inpatient stays resp. resulting neurological damage with a lot of program / sleep reversal, etc., progressive for seven years). It should be easy, a sick person, the since 26 years of Myalgic E. is ill, for seven years between 20 and 24 spends hours lying down, who cannot purchase, cannot take any therapies (because they don't exist), no recreational opportunities, who has no circle of acquaintances, has no more friends…. to politely deny a person in such a situation the dignity of life and to approve the application. I have no idea, what such an answer means: pushing out. Does that mean, that my file is once again being drowned out by a batch of other applicants, who are more important than me and who are given more positive death rationality? It's been up to them for three months now, to prepare my psychiatric report, dies, although we don't have a psychiatrist, who participates, plain: because I can no longer take advantage of any psychiatric care due to being out of therapy and being discarded from the world. Requests for psychiatric care have had the status of failure for almost ten years, as soon as i said, that I want to exit, and need the psychiatrist for this endeavor as well …..
….nobody wants and wanted to do this. And so there were also problems for the rest, that could still torment me, no therapist. It's ton crazy, but it is so: who really has nothing left, mentally and physically; he no longer makes it to a good therapy place. It's no longer relevant there, to want to unload any lovesickness, because these little things are about the private life of someone who has had no therapy, which cannot be economically integrated again due to the dissolution of the stumbling block.
Realistically, I have horrendous problems, or? But with these problems I can't go anywhere without illusions, although I would very much like to go to the crisis intervention center for a little round. It would probably be the only place, where I saw so many healthy people in crises in a heap, could observe and address, the only place, where I could forget my loneliness for a few hours. But loneliness is not a criterion for admission to a psychiatric ward, nor loneliness, that pushes, that you believe, having to jump next time. Loneliness is not pathological. You must be able to identify something pathological in my soul, or I have to sell myself like this, if I really want to spend a little time out in the devil's kitchen at the KIZ.
Back to the appraisal:
So it's a mystery to me, how the exit officers should prepare this psychiatric report with the help of a twenty-year invalid initial report, an appraisal, that I have read myself, so badly written, so many mistakes and misstatements, that I would have liked to have rewritten it myself. The psyche also changes over the course of so many years. Initial diagnoses would have to be re-clarified, may be adjusted. That would be logical, if Exit served me with a psy, but Exit doesn't seem to want that. Apparently they'd rather muddle together something from my outdated disability dossier. Of course, the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is a constant, the reactive atypical depressions and the adjustment disorder are constants. It's just unclear to me, what is there to muddle about. Psychiatrically, I might as well have the purest soul, without a single interference field; it should have nothing whatsoever to do with the actual handicap, which is physical, to change. This physical handicap is it, that sustains my suffering, who made me do it, register with the death agency. So why are you wasting your time over my psychic report now?? It can be viewed in relation to the overall malaise or separately, in principle it is not important. Although we have written, that my BPS is negatively affecting my ME, because an emotionally unstable, excessive and impulsive person a disease, where you have to lie dead, less well managed, as a mentally calmer, sleepier. But how to evaluate such an overlap, I don't know either. At worst, they get the stupid idea, my subjective assessment and therefore my wish to die was consumed by the borderline personality. The personality disorder can mean, that they suddenly have doubts about my sanity again, my HA with 100% designated, they can think, that I dramatize or even misjudge the physical condition through the mood lability of the BPD. I mean, I don't have to say, How great is the influence of psychological well-being on physical well-being. Indeed it is, that there are certain constellations, under which I would endure my physical cage longer and further. The view of the symptoms would then be different, not the symptoms themselves are different or less.
I do not know, how Exit wants me to provide a psychiatric report and why. a kind of residual waste though, I don't understand, how they're going to do this without all the psychiatrists, who accompanied me in my adolescence.
“postpone clarifications”, that sounds like to me “postpone indefinitely”. And I ask myself, whether I'm being fooled by Exit, because I would like the decision to be within a fixed, approximate framework. That they cannot predict this, in no way, I find it suspicious.