‘Das Herz hat seine Gründe, that the mind does not know.’ One of my favorite quotes since I can read and write. Ever since I accuse myself and feel back, one: nicer and deeper, to feel clearer.
But now I have a leap in the subject(iven). 2020 has shown me, that the subject is only a source of pain. And looking back on my more than forty years of intuitive being, I shouldn't rely on it any longer. Two events in a row in autumn, put me in shock, the first affected me like that, that I did not wake up from a crippling sleep for several weeks. I was weak, open on the dagger tips of a half-closed Iron Maiden and waited, what happened to me. I didn't live anywhere anymore, was stripped of my skin and my walls, deprived of the partner, who had proven to be profoundly impartial, lured and fed me with rosy apples and then exposed and thrown away. So I sought protection from another partner (another person), and this, together with her husband, stood in front of my Iron Maiden bed, and debated my paralysis, ich hätte zu packen und zu gehen. Meine Anwesenheit sei nicht erträglich. This was the moment, in which my weakness and helplessness was greatest. I have never seen such helplessness and despondency in my life. I then found external help, a person, who had stood by my side in Brügg the whole time, against money- from relief aid. She picked me up from the supposed shelter and brought me back to my burning apartment, brought me food and gave me a smile. A little humanity came from this strange person and woman. Damage, I couldn't take her to Bern with me. I would cry at the sight of her every week, because for me it has become a symbol of it, what would have been possible in Brügg, if I had come across a partner, instead of a blender and deluded person.
And since then I don't really know what to do next. One thing is certain, that fresh traumas systematically cast their nets, they spread. And the, what killed you yesterday; it does not stop, to kill you tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Because trauma is always fresh. I only know one thing: you have to throw yourself into something else, another world can grasp, something must happen to me, that affects me more strongly, than, what I have experienced. Just a new experience, which is just as strong, like the previous one, can effect, I don't freeze to death on the spot. I wish, I would be someone else. But since that doesn't work, I wish, I could get into learning and experiencing stories, information, Throwing knowledge. I wish, I could study any subject and become a specialist doctor, I want to be saved from relapsing again into my inuitives, subjective animal being, now, After I've lost my innocence; my heart, that had its reason, that my mind knew!!!
My heart burst out when I fell. Hence it will spoil now. For years I lived almost without social relationships, for sure, because my intuition instilled it in me. To get the last blows as late as possible, of such, who just don't know any better, and hold out my body, so that others can react to their affects, so late, as possible, to get to know this bloody haze of real relationships, to become part of a close relationship yourself, enchants, involved, finally there passionately, wo ich Leidenschaft spürte, and then the chaos, that of the other, Lover hired, the many shots, that he fired, the devaluations, that he threw after you, like an echo that never fades: a person in a relationship usually has enough of the other. And he can't even tell, Why. So he makes a hundred excuses, he shows himself from the most hideous side, tries so cruel and evil, to be as possible, because his consciousness is not clearly speaking the sentence to him: get lost, I don't want you in my life anymore! I have someone better, Newer, Positiveres, Found something nicer on the street corner. I picked someone up, by random, where I don't have to bother. And with the closeness, that I can no longer bear from you, can be closest to me again, as long as no demand arises. I can transfer your nickname to someone else, I can do your skin and your breasts, who were dearest and only ones to me, without interruption to the next, I don't have to wait and make a memory of you! No, I do not need that! You have been so little to me, so I suddenly discovered, that I didn't need a break from you to someone else. Nobody has exclusive rights with me. Told you, you are special, something, that I only experienced once, I only have, to kill you, to insert into my order and then to banish, when you compete with and endanger the various other aspects and pillars of my life. I am democratic, for me all women / people are the same, Equality…..
Whether everyone has their program, in which he inserts love, like a piece of a puzzle? You always follow the same pattern, the fateful? I never trusted! With no human, is. And that I now trusted, at this one, I only tried for love, out of sheer reason!!!! I did it at some point, halfway. That was the moment, in which I thought, that I can never be left now. Because whoever gets involved with me once, correct, and waits long enough, until i get there, completely there, with him, he can't go again. Not as a friend. Not as a person. As a man, that already.
What a bullshit. A person can confess to you, perfectly, and at the same time he builds underground caves, to escape you secretly! And you, heart, that has mind, Heart that has a hawk nose, that can smell clear, when it comes bad and wrong, go under in the garden of your devotion, between trees with rosy apples and tall grass, in the garden, that he put on for you, so that you can dream of him there for a while and devour yourself and devotion to him finally fills everything in you with him. So, that you neglect all of this in a coexistence with a lover, that cannot happen in this devotion! In this way you too become deluded! And do not see, that the deluded person feels neglected, real, because you feel so much the devotion and democratic, neglect little everyday conversations about this and that. Solidity for which expressed and shared feelings are not part of everyday life. But this kind, love, it is only something, That I've been conditioned to, Mid eighties! I still picked up this belief, that the most perfect attitude to life for me is devotion to a man! That I even have to be able to love first, before I get any second, dedicate to subliminal activity, such as making or acquiring art. That I cannot develop my other small talents at all, if i do not incarnate u will be freed beforehand by the possibility, getting weak in front of a man. How many lost years have I behind me?, Years, in which I was shut down like a mill by the stream. Whether you can rely on me, I can not say it, because by leaving I don't mean arriving on time, but a spiritual loyalty, staying together against the most adverse circumstances, once there has been love or connection. But now I know more; I know, that only one person goes on with another, who does not have the opportunity, to break with a human, because otherwise he is alone; a needy person. Who does not feel connected in egalité with every woman's body. Every man, for whom all women are equal, namely that, what he wants to see in them, a woman will easily be able to change in, the less specific closeness he needs, the more connected he feels to people in general, the less real closeness and strangers he feels and needs and the greater his relationship concept is. This man can regain lighter circumstances and repeat pleasure and fulfillment for a lifetime, Ego he can nourish himself again and again and thus perform parade runs.
Several experiences in my life have led to this, that I lose the essential pleasure, continue to be me. I'm sure not the first, which makes this experience on the threshold of graying, no later than. But I still don't understand, how I could live differently, as related to me, out of me, into me. What that would look like, concrete? proofs, that nobody is the self, that he should be, so that others could rely on it, there is enough. There is no one at all, who knows and can do it better, and bunglers are at work everywhere. There seem to be only two options at all: either to go for any constructs and to cast off unconscious urges and thus to be damn unsexy and hostile to life or to act intuitively, and thus to cause even greater damage in another. Because the heart has its reason, that the mind does not know. Logo. But why is it so unimportant to many, that the heart also has a mind? Why, for example, do the men give a shit?, clear her heart with her mind? The male monkeys don't care about the idea, to be able to experience more pleasure by dealing with and knowing one's own feelings, e.g.. with the woman? Just pretend to be the male monkey, he knows the reasons of his heart, while in reality, he doesn't have any (heart)?
Actually I would like to know, was Blaise Pascal, a man, the in 16. Century lived, meant by this quote…. he lived in a time, in which man still referred to heaven and saw analogies in all particles of heaven and earth….Individual love and free language did not exist back then. No psychoanalysis either. So what did he mean by that sentence?? I have to investigate…..
(29.1.2021)