So I am locked in my body. But at the same time excluded from me as a body. That's what makes it special.
The same can be applied to my relationship with the outside world: As a person I am locked in this outside world. But at the same time excluded from this as a person.
I am excluded from the outside world, because my body could not be excluded from me. He got bigger and bigger.
I see myself as a whole, as a body. But also as something severed. Something is looking at my body, looks at me with this mighty look of division.
But that's not my psychosis. Because I have no predestination for psychoses or dissociations (hihi).
I watch very clearly, how my organ systems get sicker and sicker. Like the body, who grew and grew, dissolves in these strange fragments of perception;
pain; weakness, deafness, Paraesthesia, Double vision etc. 100, unless 1000 of types of pathological discomfort, differently nuanced every day, etc., lying down every day, motionless and empathizing….
All this, so I imagine will culminate in death at some point, that I determine as something, that happens completely outside of me. Or in other words: the psychosis, that has laid over my body, by 25 Years-(hellish)Symptom perception, will reach its acute peak with death or shortly beforehand.
Once again, No: no psychosis has settled on me. But you have to introduce yourself, that I never have full access to my body!!!! The body is and will remain a second one, another ego and thus a second ego-body, that I've kind of been about for years “manage” got along with the other!!!
I; MJS have two children, not just one: I (that speaks here) and my sick, constantly screaming body!!!
To have to perceive this intrinsic play from the inside of the body constantly from the outside; from this constellation I can compare it to a gigantic psychosis;
Something invisible hinders me massively in the most existential, daily actions, the cell power cuts me off. I am disabled. And still remains- I'm almost sure of that- invisible until my death, diffuse and therefore coarse cursor non-existent. (This has to be taken into account in the overall perception of inside and outside and the wider outside.)
The body withdrew from me for a lifetime, me and of course them, who hoped to gain access to me. But this withdrawal took place in me. Because, in God's name I cannot assert: my body is outside of me!
Now there is only, if any, a way to me, for others, over that mad mountain of bodies. Somehow I became part of dictatorial circumstances.
There will always be more and more bodies, the less I belong to him.
(26.1.2021)