I lie close to the words, to be in one place. Nor do I push back the words with every picture of me, neither are my words nor I born, it's still trash, arrogance or coercion, to speak publicly of an I in this way. But that's how I talk now. The personal is the necessity, which an explorer of this website gets as a gift from me. This, that's how I imagine: being touched unpleasantly and personally by a human being, that only exists: private, intimate, personally. The public space doesn't know me, hasn't seen me for about fifteen years. Back then, when i tried, to gain a foothold personally in public, this caused a lot of problems. The illness then almost excusably carried me out of a public space, where there was no center for me, no localization, no friction (except in psych) in the protected space of my own home, these few square meters, which I have been living in since then. From this immovable point I must carry out my personal, like a horse in the ring. The weariness is that of my ego, the weariness is the absence of the other, intimate. I know, that it can't go on like this: that I live like this without a counterpart and reproduce myself instead of producing.
I'm looking for practical solutions, so far difficult to impossible due to the circumstances. But to a certain extent it also fails because of my ideas and demands.
Because Spitex only for me, who cleans and Psychospitex, who speaks to me in a standardized way, as per template, it's not done for me.
i need revelation, intimacy, Hochspannung und intellektuelle Ideen. I have to be able to challenge myself, otherwise I'll go crazy.
None of this has the status of ordinary. So I need a completely absurd infrastructure for my health….
I am too much for myself.