I must say, that I only perceive nature, because she is there by accident, not out of any particular interest. I notice, that I am in her forms and silhouettes, Discover different fabrics and surfaces, that I look at everything from the outside, while before I didn't even look at it. I don't know any plants either- or flower names, I am unfamiliar with the language and function of botany. And maybe that's just this distance, that I have to nature what is pleasant in her for me. I used to observe people's shapes and silhouettes, I also looked boldly in the faces (like in the flower!), and this was much more strenuous and at the same time more gripping for me than the plant world.
Sometimes it might be better, to have no idea. Or just as little idea as possible, and therefore one understands oneself better with the environment, if you never got into it, so, how I now understand the plant world and have not understood the human world, because I know something about the core of people, wanted to know, and this, as I judge afterwards, felt too direct, too urgent, just.
That I can't name the plants now, specify, doesn't bother me. Transferred to my interactions with people, I would deduce from that, that it would have been better, not labeling the emotions and perceptions and not wanting to deepen this emotional system. In the end it's just these shapes and silhouettes …. they stay,
and nothing remains of the language and the naming one.
I have made up my mind, this, letting my ignorance of nature flow into my testimony, and so, if possible, rudimentary emotional screaming into soft, to convey a melancholic image of nature, also for my own protection. However, I haven't even really started with the testimony yet. And I don't know either, if it will ever come to that.
That scalding scream and that lament, that fills me like hot wax, makes it difficult for me, to break down a few perceptions into a linguistically extended paragraph. It is, and, it is so, that I feel rudimentary and unfiltered, but then, and, then use reflection and language to muffle a scream, and express the actual complexity of my sensual world. But somehow I'm way too exhausted, to get to this level, I only reach my brain with little deer hops and then sag back down into my screaming body.
The idea, a phone book from the years 71/73 write off, as the basis for my testimony, I rejected, not least, because it would have presented me with huge technical challenges. I have tried, to put the book in bed, but even then it would not have been possible for me, those four-palms, to decipher tiny letters, despite glasses. I would have looked at thousands of pages- and have to bend back, at every second letter. It would have been hard physical work. It would have been pointless enough, but yes. But somehow I have no motivation for conceptual things.
Each of these light green clusters of flowers is surrounded by a long-fanned, coarsely ribbed leaf-hat covered. I literally spied on her in hiding!
Today was the 1 2. May, and it was once again the Awareness Day for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome! …. But it's all just empty air …. it has been in eight years “awarenessen” nothing has changed in our situation.
(13.5.22)