MJS: Can we talk, without specific intention?
Jeanne Stürmchen: What is there?
MJS: it's called the summer slump …
Jeanne Stürmchen: still?
MJS: I am ashamed.
Jeanne Stürmchen: Why? About what?
MJS: It is always the same. Only stronger.
Jeanne Stürmchen: Was ist immer dasselbe?
MJS: die Abwesenheit von Allen … ausser von mir.
Jeanne Stürmchen: warum schreibst du dich nicht wieder
tief in dich hinein?
MJS: Because I… habe mir Ferien genommen.
Jeanne Stürmchen: Wieso sowas?
MJS: Nach einer Pause fängt man frisch an, Not?
Ich habe mir Ferien aufgezwungen, aber am ersten Ferienabend
bin ich abgestürzt ….
Jeanne Stürmchen: du warst aus?
MJS: Ich war aus. Zum erstenmal seit 15 Years.
Jeanne Stürmchen: Oh! Und warum heulst du jetzt?
War es denn nicht schön, einmal nicht da zu sein,
sondern dort?
MJS: Es ist viel zu kompliziert…
Jeanne Stürmchen: Was ist zu kompliziert?
MJS: Dein Fragen. Aber es ist wahr, I was
einen Moment lang freier denn je. Mein Körper
war frei.
Jeanne: war das das erstemal seit 15 Years, that
du frei warst von deinem Körper?
MJS: wenn du die Stunde der Liebe
nicht dazu zählst, and …
Jeanne: it was drugged?
Jeanne: … don't count the hour of love ….No, No, No!
MJS: why not?
Jeanne: And, actually for the first time since
15 Years. I do not know, how it came about,
but I think, I wanted my vacation earlier
cancel than planned ….
Jeanne: by intoxication?
MJS: this is the clinical term for the experiment,
to create a balance …
But look, usually life is a movement.
With a tendency towards monotony, that everyday life brings with it.
Holidays and vacations were created for this, to distance oneself.
A different rhythm, try another move.
A movement toward you, towards a center …. added to another….
Jeanne Stürmchen: why did you intend at that time 15 years with
stopped drinking?
MJS: i tell you first, why i did it, and? Then you understand
You also, why i stopped doing it ….
I went there then, at this one wooden table, and have
ordered a beer. I sat on the edge and felt the usual …
Jeanne: the usual?
MJS: A kind of dualism of my thoughts, my thinking at the moment,
my thoughts afterwards and things, namely people, those at the moment
became real, more real than anything …. it was a total crash!
Jeanne: why are you talking so funny unnatural? Why do not you talk,
how your mouth has grown?
MJS: because I'm ashamed.
Jeanne: For what?
MJS: Just for that mouth, who grew up with me and with whom I now
nothing but rudimentary screams from me for many decades,
because I can't think, can not analyze, cannot survive,
what i feel, in that moment, in which I feel it.
Jeanne: That's actually weak. Don't you have a psychiatrist anymore??
MJS: I have applied for it for several years to no avail ….
but look: where must and can insight go, the development, learning
and improving his weaknesses? You need the world as
practice field for it…. you need the world as a place of probation?
Jeanne: and you never got there?
MJS: No, I was practically and physically disabled for just over a decade,
to get there, where life is. But I found it, at my
first and last evening of vacation!
Jeanne: through drinking?
MJS: I have to tell you the following about drinking: I have it then, for years,
done every weekend. The difficult thing was, ever at this one
to get to the table, where others had long since arrived,
but halfway through the first beer, this dualism has softened,
I quickly ordered a second beer, still in the middle of the first. And in the third
Bier, I experienced this brilliant arrival. Suddenly I had, how
miraculously enough room at a table among hostile people
People, I had all the space, completely completely …. and more: it felt like it, as
I would finally be there, where the others are, I really felt like I was through
a miracle reduces mentally and emotionally, I felt sinking,
deeper and deeper into me and at the same time further and further away from the scaffolding, that me
evil sticks together: the body. The situation was amusing …. it was like this
incredibly easy, to be happy! Wow!
Jeanne: What do you mean by that?
MJS: that I'm suddenly sitting at this huge wooden table, drink and
rode, talk back and forth, shout or even sing,
that this elixir of life found you easily, and you are not at the moment
could imagine, ever lose it again….
Jeanne: But you lost it, in a cruel way, I assume …
MJS: And, und besonders damals hat sich diese Situation mehr und mehr verändert.
Je mehr ich von ihr erwartete, je mehr ich vom Rausch begehrte, und umso öfter
ich ihn erlebte nach dem dritten Bier, ein viertes Bier vor mir erblickte, und nach
dem vierten Anfang die Bierreste der herumsitzenden Männern zu trinken …
Jeanne: Good, warum hast du das getan?
MJS: Sag du es mir, du bist jetzt Psy!
No, sage es mir nicht! Wir wissen es! Und ich habe mich gehasst
for this. Ich war schon am abstürzen. Mit den Flügeln schon die Sonne gestreift,
wurde ich langsam schwer, schwer und schwerer, wie Theseus,
es war eine grausame Katastrophe, to feel, wie dieses Denken als Gewissheit,
als Trennung von den anderen Leibern, dieses Bewusstsein als dualer Teil von
den Dingen, die mir jetzt wieder entglitten, in mich zurück tröpfelte ….
I hate this transition into separation! It was, as if reality were the poison
and the intoxication of freedom, the state, in which one is once true and free,
truly true and free.
But like anything expensive: one day I got to this point, where I
had to tell me: this is my last rush or I'll never get back from it
back. Do you understand? Until now, intoxication had some kind of function
had as cleaning. It was possible for me because of her, all the diffuse dirt
to wash away unlived life, namely in the bad hangover and in the puke and
the fever afterwards…. it was like a trip, of the, structured like a ritual, at the end of one
everyday, at a time, Friday or Saturday, maybe, where I no longer
could starve to death on exchange, physically, sensual , intellectual, emotional, absolutely normal ….
so I went back there to that nasty place and made that strict detour
over the Icaurian flight down to Thartaros, in order to, at last,
to finally have peace, arrived in my eternal Hades, then, if I
everything had erupted out of me, many hours, Calm returned to my body,
my thoughts passed away. Tears started gushing from my heart.
Jeanne: You could call that a form of self-harm ….
MJS: If Psycho, and….but are you one??
Jeanne: No. If I were one, I would have to show you ways?
MJS: What ways?
Jeanne: other ways, how to get your social need met.
MJS: i need touch, friction!
Jeanne: And you believe, this is only under false assumptions
possible?
MJS: it is only possible, gives, where delimitation is possible.
How else am I supposed to feel?, who I am?
How can I exude, convey?
where i'm going, overall, I meet locked ones
People. on people, not me, but also nothing from
confide in, who do not reveal themselves. They are untouchable.
And form this bulwark of loneliness, who kill me
threatens. More effective than the disease, which only captivates me homebound.
Jeanne: You should really call off your vacation and start writing again?
Aren't there any new projects??
MJS: I'm flirting with a novel project titled : Goodbye Sickhouse.
Jeanne: I like. Why don't you start today?
MJS: Because I don't think, can't concentrate, that. 80
percent of the time.
Jeanne: when you were so drunk, can you at all
remember something from your nightly exit?
MJS: Oh yes, things keep coming to my mind. Between-
a vibrant current flowed back and forth between us in time,
maybe I started so many sentences, like ended in the middle,
and once, when we got a little slower, shouted the one next to me
sat across the table from another, to well-known snobs:
There's Marion!