Retro_Diary_2016

11.4.2016
At forty it went through her mind, that between twenty and thirty she had lived exclusively for devotion. Some guy had that devotion, counted for an ass, which she had shaped into a star in her imagination. Then she quickly collapsed, before there was any actual contact. Sometimes she might even love the man, then the feeling of surrender went so far, that it made her feel humiliated and provoked. Sie war ja immer krank geworden, void with devotion, once she really loved, then! And had done one thing or the other for it, to punish the beloved for it, that this dedication, which was meant for him, almost obliterated them. It was easier with them, for which she had no “pure heart”, who did not put the strength in them, at which it then broke. The pleasure was there too, but it didn't hurt, was more of a pleasure, which was broken through again by the possibility of everyday life. Now, at forty, both were long gone, the body had forgotten. Sometimes a night dream brought surrender back, fallen out of time, hallucinatory and confusing. She then woke up and knew, that could no longer happen in real life, something was in between. It could only be haunted by it in the unconscious state of sleep. And cry in shock when you wake up.