“Belief” is now somehow outside of my body …. or let's put it that way, he's not quite inside me anymore, but also not outside. He will probably also remain in this intermediate sphere. I wrote this novel when I was handicapped, not about a handicapped. I think, that makes the problem. I can't write a second novel, because I don't have a second life anymore. In terms of my spiritual development, I could possibly. write another novel, I say maybe! but for that I would have needed a second body since my mid-thirties. However, if I had a second body, I would definitely wish for a different life plan now. I don't want to write anymore. Writing only goes inwards.
At the moment I would like to be busy, would mark something, travel, plunge into something completely different. None of this is possible. I can no longer dismiss the absolute emptiness. I must become part of her in every fiber.
The starting position of my 3Battles is now and still is:
– 1, I'm next 12 Years done with my belief
– 2, ich bin im Schnitt 20 to 24 hours bedridden since 2017
– 3, I don't have a pinson anymore, who loves me
– 4, I don't get an exit
Summary:
: Battle 3 I lost, I have no illusions about that
: Battle 4 I don't stand a chance, this is due to the political and medical situation of Battle 2
: Battle 2 leaves little hope, despite B007 drug trial with Long Covid patients (a drug, dass bei ME allenfalls helfen könnte)
: Battle 1 ….. what the heck ….
summasumarum:
I don't like life anymore.
I don't mean to say, that there aren't moments, who are solala; e.g.. have a coffee on the terrace.
But …… god….mn…..
…. it's not enough for me (more). Okay, maybe the wrong word: suffice. Comes from business. I mean that simply, that the radius of my work (and the repercussion) has become too small for me due to the circumstances. This is of course not something, that happens from one day to the next, but a process …. chronic disease, which extends over decades, requires a different time scale, another patience ….. my “Lockdown” does not end, no … I'm still free to some extent …. but this freedom is not enough, to make the necessary moves for change, to be able to set off. There is no breakthrough, no interaction … because I can't physically be there. And nobody comes here, where my physique is. This is painful and undeniably depressive. Of course everyone will, Externally reported defects chalked up as personal fault. The psychopathologization will not end until the last second.
(28.3.22)