“It is always the same.” You said this, in bitterness, when you were gone. “It is always the same.” And, the external circumstances of severe myalgic E. correspond exactly to this perception, even a normal family doctor refused my care on the grounds: “But it's always the same. I already have someone with chronic fatigue syndrome, and she always feels the same way, never better.”
And then there was my perception, which had to be from within and built up differently, so I could believe in it, that it is still possible, that a person lives with me, obschon es keine Hoffnung auf eine Änderung der äusseren Umstände gibt oder nur kleine Abweichungen.
Blind love has given me this audacity and selfishness, not to doubt it in advance or even not to enter into the relationship out of consideration for you. Many ME sufferers come to the end, that with a partner they only involuntarily double their suffering, and they renounce love. This was not possible for me at the moment in my life. M. WITH. (R.I.P) warned me about it, to spend myself on love, only this intense time, which then broke up, catapulted them into the heaviest form of ME, in which she could no longer wash herself. And then she got fed up.
It's like roulette, but winning is practically impossible.
It wasn't always the same for me. Always then, if it was possible, that I could get close to you, really close, it was new and different. I felt better. While you couldn't cope with all the external images of suffering and were fed up with them, I fought like mad for these moments, in which I could stretch you into the cocoon of my perception; this cocoon, which was spun with the tiny threads of energizing love, from my side. This tiny microcosm, which unfolds heavenly between the eyes or in a calm touch.
How bold to believe of me, There could be a freedom for you with me, even when my body is so sick, and there is no hope, that this will ever change. I believed with my inner eye, when you pushed open the door and happy (played?) called my name, Then you went to my bed, you could see me shining. Through the external circumstances! I thought, I could cry in your presence every now and then, in order to, to shine all the more, shortly thereafter. Or even while. I believed, brazen as I was, of my light from within. And I could hardly imagine, that you don't see this light. And also no longer wanted to recognize!
Of, that you said, you would be with me, Even if I only consisted of my head and as long as I needed you, wanted to change the circumstances, in which I lived! While I was forced, to overlook these circumstances, you couldn't, because you, as a person of action, wanted to make a difference with deeds … did you want to change me too?
How can it be, that you experience me as ungrateful, in retrospect, while I am as “happy” and only “receiving you” experienced?
In what form would my thanks have reached you, if he didn't reach you through the gestures and the ether of love signs?
So you turned away. And then I got very angry for a moment. Because I often get angry first, before I get sad. Because I am neither a sufferer nor an ascetic… because i hate it, to be so rarely desired! How much humility I have lacked?
It wouldn't have been of any use.
I recognize, that I don't know, who i was for you. Except, that you portray it in retrospect, like i'm a devil. A devil, who can only bring bitterness and negativity over someone else's heart. I wanted to understand, how your feelings of bitterness come about, I wanted to know the cracks, I …. That won't move me in deeds and hands, but with talking and thinking, looking at the feelings ….
It was pointless. You want a bitter keepsake, a keepsake in rejection of me. That we are complex and that complexity can be exciting, that only annoyed you and in the end you even found me fake, when i tried about the complexity of one “Thank you” to talk, if the one, who believes, he gave too much, This thank you does not want to or cannot take and the pronouncement of a thank you, when the partner has already turned away, is not that easy …
Now it doesn't matter to you anymore, or so you say, if I say thank you now, for this, that you walked with me for two years at this late stage in life. If I say this verbally and explicitly now, although I thought, let my gratitude be contained in the language of love, inexplizit. But that doesn't seem to have been the case. Which is why I forever doubt my mirror. But what does that matter now??
There is only the imposition. The imposition, which one is for others, not in this situation (ME) stuck, the impertinence, which the person concerned has to presume. The human imposition. The imposition, to carry on or to stop … the impertinence, the external circumstances (how they are so tolerated and ignored by the outside world) etc.
But who wants to live in permanent unreasonable demands or accompany someone, of this “Unreasonable” embodied?
I am happy then, When I'm finally done with this stupid lovesick box!
(6.10.2020)