I was interested in occupations, in which I felt an immediate energizing effect on the organism.
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In school, this need was partially covered by singing and gymnastics. Perhaps also through essay. But rather not, when I had to logically close a picture link. In gymnastics, pure enjoyment of movement collided with competition, so I stopped going, because I felt, that I was one of the best in terms of my athletic build. I was terrified as hell, when I had to compete with the best on the sprint track. So I gave a false start and was allowed to start with the lame ducks. But the gym teacher recognized the dizziness and I had to start again. This time with the record holder.
Then it was already too late. Mit genau Zwanzig. (I mean being an athlete)
I noticed in sales, that standing up for many hours does not energize me. Maybe she energized me for 1 hour. Or then I had a desired effect in the organism, when I was able to recommend an exciting book to an exciting customer (which of course I didn't know, but instinctively I knew what was good, back then).
15.fr 50 The hourly wage in the bookstore was good and I was proud of the money I had earned. But it was clear, that sooner or later I would collapse, because blood circulation was not guaranteed in the upright position (since the outbreak of ME, three months after graduating from commercial school, and that we didn't know about being here at the time, didn't want to know, as today). The power, that I had to mobilize for a working day of 5 or 8 hours, did not let me sleep a night. It just kept hurling in my organism, like a tumbler, which gallops through after the stop button and hurls hotter and hotter!
So theoretically I would have needed a job, which makes sense physically and strengthens the body at work, instead of hollowing out. Or a pointless one, very, very nice job in a small workload!
The energy: that was the only reason, why I wanted to go to drama school. Not, to learn the art of role play, (or to reproduce the text of a Marie Antoinette, my God, no), but to find out, how I could best survive physically or with my exhausted and dysregulated at the same time highly sensitive organism.
That was long before professions for robotic health optimization sprang up. At that time I might even have been able to do some manual labor or work in a field with low thresholds, I could have determined the workload myself.
Apprenticeships were linked to huge given workloads and attendance times. I could, as I found out, only continue to work in sales without education and cut off from the opportunity, to continue my education in a public institution.
But standing around in a foundation for the disabled for half the day pissed me off again, at least in the long run.
I applied half-heartedly 2004 to countless children's places as a jumper. Because children have an immediate energetic effect on my body, because the light in their eyes brings one to reason / to the basics. In contrast to the 99% the adults, by the way, who always only drained my strength and robbed the light, especially the teachers, educator, Doctors and Psychiatrists.
But then the problem with adults came back into play, and. I couldn't just play with the kids and look at them. I had to show and explain to the nursery managers, that I “operate educationally”. They wanted to know, whether I am also socially acceptable, and so could pass as a role model for small children. Hahaha. (And, No, I was emotionally far too weak for the beauty and fate of small children).
And so what does the other mean?, than that they wanted a confession from me about the social structures, out there, a solid yes to life built with its foundations. And all sorts of things like that! I had to prove it in the day care center in Holenacker. A responsibility, That kind of iced me up, inside. Sorry, mistake! I called silently. Child care has no direct energizing effect on my organism, as soon as a supervisor appears on stage. I then felt compelled, to switch sides: from the kids, from myself to the theater actors of the seriousness of life. And then it was over with me. Ciao.
So babysitting didn't work out, apart from my cuddly niece, which we made each other a lot of joy; her as a toddler, me as a young aunt. (But then it got sad, than she had to see as a growing child, that I couldn't skydive with her. That I couldn't even go to the swimming pool with her anymore. I couldn't find words for her. Then, luckily, she grew up and disappeared into her own life. The sight of me before their eyes, who are the most beautiful brown doe eyes, I've ever seen, if only I had been torn apart with pain I would have been present longer in this crippled manner, sagging against my original vitality !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to look beautiful in front of children!!!!)
I would have liked to have gone to serve, I flirted with that. Because let out coffee or even sizzle black coffee in the real pot (just like the waitress at Wendys did, before the Starbuck chain spread their stupid coffee kitsch in this beautiful locality) has something calming and pleasurable. One includes a container with an inter alia. warm drink in it and puts it on a table in front of a real person.
Aber kaum wurde mir diese abenteuerliche Möglichkeit geboten, 1998 at the Thun train station buffet at the time, I felt stupid, as soon as I asked the people: What do you want to drink?
Most of them just wanted their beer anyway and stared at me, as if I were a bird of paradise or otherwise not quite baked. And those looks, sorry, then did not energize me at all, they undressed me senseless. Pointless, because: Back then, as a young woman, I wanted to be someone and be really looked at with a beautiful look and pure eyes. And then I wanted the leeway, look back yourself! Only then did I want to be undressed and revealed!
But there were always situations in service and, in principle, in the whole damned experimental life, in which I felt exposed. Circumstances forced me, to show something of me, that I didn't want to show! Quite apart from that, I could no longer count together at a round table with several croissants and coffee. The military of Thun once laughed hard at the rubbish, that I involuntarily offered to the bristles. The blackout didn't stop.(7 Kipferl a 2.50 u 7 Kaffee a 3.00 and 5 Schnapps etc. results… results….)
The energizing electricity was always stolen from me. That was the only reason I couldn't work with people and I wanted to, so what, back to my traditional job as a commercial clerk. A job, I never worked on, because of complete unsuitability, understood!
I folded at the women's union 2002 ein halbes Jahr dicke Vereinsbriefe mit Inhalten, who are committed to such explosive changes as: used male armed violence against women, u like that. Outwardly, I was a total chick, but the folding of mail with such meaningful content at the expense of the heaviest menstrual pain, which had to be fought with morphine precursors (from the hard sitting table and overtime) I would have liked to have done longer, my internship would not have ended. Of course the resolute boss wanted me, With which I had a mediocre desire for sex in boring minutes of typing address files, not adjust. And I've never been able to operate the copier myself.
So the perfumery in the Ryfflihof was added, a job, which I liked very much, although it went against my aesthetic feeling itchy, That I had to put on this crazy blue overgarment. These cheap scraps of cloth, that shone down on me like a soaked huddle. All the saleswomen in the Ryfflihof had to run around with this rag and say through him: Look here! I'm a poor useful saleswoman! There was my mother Anno's nurse's cap 82 much prettier!
Working in the perfumery was my last regular job. I never made anything of synthetic fragrances myself, I have to say that, because all scents, I found, develop a hideous smell of their own after three minutes at the latest. Something like that doesn't energize me and has never energized me. I'd rather have real flavor. But when the troubled people came from the Hodleren, I let them, of course, generously tow the bottles from Gucci and Calvin Klein without paying, why not? Huge boxes of new perfume bottles arrived every day, which I alone had to give and take care of. Get up, bend over, get up, bend over. Then it was time to step in for my work colleagues, who wanted to go on summer vacation. And so was scythe.
My body was like a pencil, exaggerated into a state of supervising madness!
My consciousness ached me, it was so blindingly bright in there! I never slept again, I never ate again. I was 24, 169cm and 48Kilo. I wanted to soak up the energy and do it through the energetic flow, that I took in, bring to a solid level of energy and thus balance!!!!!! Auch geistig und mental. Aber ich würgte Kotze, if I only get the beautiful curls of César Pereilta from bus no. 20 aus erblickte! I was trapped, already!
(upregulated neuroendocrine stress axis. From hypermetabolism to hypometabolism. trigger: EBV 1994)
After ten hours of working as a saleswoman, I couldn't get down from an adrenaline rush, body's own speed! So after weeks of absence I wrote a farewell letter to the honest head of the perfumery, in which I expressed my deepest despair over my departure. Truthfully, I didn't know myself, what happened to me. I liked my job in perfumery (even if men rarely came in, which was an immeasurable wear and tear for me, to discourage my presence where there is no male, Energy feathers, although I couldn't really get involved with them because of exaggerated and at the same time a complete lack of stamina and nervous energy etc.).
Now I had the summer vacation plans for all employees, the for 18 Franks at the Ryfflihof, who found me cute and curious, nullified. Including my bleach, lifeless boss from Solothurn.
An occupation, that strengthens a body, instead of hollowing out u torturing him, Lord God! So that you can naturally do more, a pleasurable occupation! And why not, acquire with it? Or a workload, that is so small, that I would not have been harmed!!!!!!
But how did I actually suffer damage??!!! (It's just life, blue.)
After retiring at 29, nothing got better. My organism did stabilize, I gained a few pounds, could eat and sleep more regularly, the POTS went back and the ME (g. 93.3) half slumbered for a few years, without developing progressively. Okay, okay, Weeks-long infections. Boring subject.
Now, where I was no longer required to work, I pondered the question of wages (haha). What and what activity could be worthwhile for me with my invalid body vessel, I wondered. And I got pretty darn demanding. But found nothing.
2007 I said goodbye to dancing, this surge of light energy, which drives directly into the cell walls! I had to hold on to a dummy while turning at the disco in dim Les Amis. (maybe it was a drunk too, who knows) I puked again for a week. The intoxication of alcohol, even in small quantities, is known to float. The bursts of nightly sporadic energy were also merciless. People with g.93.3. but cannot metabolize alcohol. I haven't drunk since then.
I never took a vacation from my consciousness again. The reality, now to endure sober for the rest of my life, At first I found that an unbearable thought. Now I just find him snobbish.
One can also lose consciousness; through cognitive resp. infectious and neurological problems. Or not? Can blackness directly on tipped wakefulness, follow glaring space of consciousness?
Once I wanted to emigrate to Paris like Nizon. (2003 ev.) Because of the city's own odor and the glare of its houses. Just to live in a room in the Latin Quarter, with its lucid windows and waxed, luminous floors, it seemed an option to me. I would sit in a coffee shop in Paris and watch men's faces non-stop, of which there are others, luzidere, would have given than in the Bahnhof Buffet Thun.
But I stayed at home in Bern and hungered for the ether for a while. I worked hard on the level of my physical homeostasis: Walks every day, but no more transgressions of borders. Self-isolation. Stimulus level of old people.—–And then the organism fell asleep, and I could always wake him up later (so. 13 In the afternoon at best)
Ich bin nun schon viele Jahre verloren für die Energie, that I wanted to give to myself.
But when I understood, that the attempt, supplying this energy from the outside through physical condition is even counterproductive______ only about my corpse____ said the ME monster, I felt a double defeat.