Lovesick box

When I'm no longer there for you, then I don't want anything more. But why? This is just nature and fatality. identity, that dissolves like a mesh carpet, just because love is gone, brings out the true identity?
But, and, I recognize myself in the mirror, I feel, I am with myself. And yet I want my whole being, that I have in me, without you no more. There I would be and my being, there would be other people, but in this deep aberration of taste, in which I'm stuck, I don't want anything more, than to take those hands, who tell me, that I mean something to them. I can't give anything, nothing and nobody, because everything in me is for you. It would be the most obvious, to tear one's heart away from someone, to whom you mean nothing and who enjoy it, to get in touch with others. But paradoxical as I am, all roads are blocked for me, to get out of this blockage, solange, this love for you lives in me in this way.
I wish, she lived differently: that you left me, And for you I don't exist anymore, should make me move mountains. I'm afraid, it's all very different. Love, that you showered me with for over a year; she was the island, that connects me to the mainland. I was already floating on the open sea, before you came. And now …. Not even, that this is a classic, and that there are millions right now, floating in the same ship of fools, can restore me so far, to walk away with his head held high. There is only magic and magic is fatality. I didn't get a millimeter further, all of my thought processes have not changed anything in my materialism, I don't see any possibility of a change of perspective, I just wanna be inside you again, and I don't want anything else. That you might, yes very likely, Perceived ugliness in me from your perspective, ugliness, that slipped away from my self-image, torments me like waterboarding: I got ugly for you and my light went out for you. Now I never want to look in the mirror again. I am black as a woman ('Cause we can't be lovers anymore), as a human (because we didn't make it, To become friends), black is my intuition (because I mean subversiveness and that, What repulsed you from me cannot see with your eyes), To which I gave so much, black is my body, which expires (because he makes me do it, to be so close to the flesh) and black is my thinking. It is incomprehensible, to be abandoned and I feel the burden of time, which is given to me, not to understand this. Feeling attracted in this way to another person and not to the huge rest of the other people. It is believed, this love is something deeply individual and irrational, because it so shakes identity (especially, when she goes), but actually it is neither individual nor irrational. My current state is not wanted by me, and my body is not me either. So what is it? I don't like anything anymore, I can no longer see anything, nothing is enough and I didn't reach us- I never want to look in the mirror again, this mirror lies, every mirror lies–
Today I thought, I would have seen you with a new love, And I rushed up to you, to you in the apartment, because I wanted to see, if there is anything for me to see … I crashed …. I couldn't think anymore ….my heart was racing … I wanted to know something again …. although I know, that it doesn't work with knowledge ….you won't show me anything more about yourself and I won't learn anything from you through words … I wanted to make a funny joke for you (like in old times), and make you laugh, because your smile with the little boys' teeth enchants everything, instead I choked down the stupid sentence, that you think is joke-like: I love you! But I didn't make it and don't know myself, what compulsion I obey, when my mouth breathes this sentence into the air. At worst, it's coercion for you, and that thought is like waterboarding to me. That I force you, Sentences of my affection for you to endure,(while you'd rather type on your phone or watch TV) like a stupid school child. As I said, I wanted to tell you something funny, to make you happy with it, and because that would be a bit more attractive. But lovers in this position are stupid … i don't feel, That I'll ever stand inside of me again. If only I were your dog.

(3.0.2020)