Love appeared to me in a dream of a narrow colorful city.
I sat downstairs in the street restaurant and waited for the pizza.
The pizza didn't come, and I looked up at the huge ones, windows equipped with ornamental balconies.
They were the highest windows above the roofs of the city.
A rosy light shimmered from one of the windows.
He lives there. I said or thought so.
The pizza didn't come. The waiter served the surrounding guests with large oval plates. The guests feasted on the food, that I had never seen before, Baked and wrapped in a thick topping.
I wasn't hungry anymore. It got dark and above me, far above, Lights came on in the attic.
A rosy light shone behind all the windows, I didn't know anymore, which window it was.
A boy came out of the house next door, pale with
cloudy look. For a moment I believed, it was him. He was exactly like him.
let's go, I said, for a second boy came out of the house, a man actually, but with such a boyish face, that you felt like it, to take it into your hands. A still warm one, pulsating face. Sorry: Like newly hatched.
The man may have had music on his mind. Immersed in yourself, he stumbled over the landing and disappeared
in the city.
We waited for the pizza, but the waiter only served the neighboring tables. Why don't we go? I asked. We've already paid for the pizza, we stay, said my father. I felt sick. I had lost all appetite.
Then I was on top. Walked down the long hallway, the floorboards bent and creaked. It was a hallway, which connected all the attics in the city, a bit like the Milky Way.
I ran in circles under those stars, I ran away from him, because he felt threatened by me:
Through every word I say, through my every gesture, by my mere presence. I was in shock and ran, I had to run, because my love no longer recognized me. I had reached out my hand to him, I took a step backwards, I was shaking and miserable. So small and pitiful, One still considered the other threatening!
The waiter had forgotten us along with the pizza. My father said: this waiter is unreasonable. Instead of us the simple menus, to bring the pizzas, He brings the elaborate menus first.
The music came on in the houses above me.
Basses blared out into the street, Pianos foamed.
They're like that, I said loudly and importantly across the empty plates to the full tables. The nightlife, only here does it exist. High up behind their windows they now surrender, ecstatic yourself, ecstatic the women, so that they become girls again. Every night they touch her with music, which they work out in their chambers, all these nights. Your own dark dreams, that they are working on, serious and devoted, Master of effects, of the spontaneous finish, the cool twist, make them sleepwalkers during the day
and awake for you at night. They kiss you, shoo shoo and carefully. And let you sleep during the day, cannot be seen during the day, dysphorisch, apathetic, what they are like then. But at night, believe me, they wake you up!
You'll never find a taste for just a piece of pizza again.
The guests at the next table had devoured their plates. They asked for dessert.
Because we already paid for the pizza, let's stay. Three minutes. said my father. Ich schaute auf die Türen, voller Angst und Schrecken. Jeden Moment konnte eine wieder aufgehen. Ich kann nicht länger, father. Soviel Schönheit kann ich als Zombieeater nicht verdauen.
Da erwache ich und mir ist speiübel, exakt so übel, wie in meinem Traum. Amazing. Ich erkenne die Umrisse meines Zimmers, die Gegenstände, very slowly. Aber die Orientierung will nicht zurück kommen. Alles bleibt diffus, ungreifbar, schemenhaft.
In diesem zähen Nebel sehe ich wieder sein Lächeln, ein Fliegengewicht, das sich weich und strahlend hell verfing, unter mir. Wie ein Harlekin in Debussys Rêverie.
Du hattest mal wieder einen Alptraum. Funny, diesen Alptraum hast du doch schon öfters gehabt. Warum sonst erkennst du Einzelheiten, Bilder und Gegenstände darin wieder, and you don't know, wo hast du sie schon mal gesehen: real oder im Schlaf?
This pain, wenn man jemanden verliert an (s)a morbid fantasy.
Or maybe I was dreaming, these pictures, this horror, this escape, this irrational anger etc. are already manifestations of a nightmare, which may never have happened?
leave me in peace, dream.