Of my 47 years of birth I remember a birthday; I was happy there! I was twenty-four and went with Roli, my love partner at the time, friend, girlfriend, best friend, mother (he was everything to me!) eat at the Dampfzentrale. It was warm, exceptionally spring-like. I wore the mint-colored or should I say turquoise-green wool dress, held together in round tops, including, of course, wool stockings and two wool jumpers, because I was a jerk back then ….
I do not know, is it the dress? ( a seventies wool dress from my mother), that I remember this birthday or just this short moment of my life (about three months), in which the conditions for my life seemed to be right…. in terms of writing, of course, so it was nothing but blindness and nonsense, with which I blinded myself ….
…. but what is more important, than the hope and confidence, that you can do something, that gives you meaning and that you also think about, you can still achieve something with it? Solange man glaubt, kann es doch auch ein Irrglauben sein, or? Working life and the original compromise between working in the book trade and writing at the same time had not yet turned out to be an illusion at this point ….
Der Körper war fragil und ausser, when I wrote or Roli fed me, in constant stress during the day. But at night I went dancing and rose to unimagined heights, that I never understood, like they ever …. On the next day … been destroyed for so many days …..
Then once I made the mistake and washed mother's minty seventies dress with normal boiled linen. And what came out of it resembled a doll's dress, as hard as dried bread. Das war’s dann! I was a little annoyed, knew, I had done something wrong there. Oft dachte ich noch zurück an dieses bauschige Mini-Wollkleid, that no longer exists today in its earthy authenticity.
Aber an all die andern Geburtstage meines Lebens habe ich keine Erinnerung. Just; that I was never happy again. Because I didn't reach my goals every year, and I had to remind myself of this every year.
I'm dressed nicely today too: I wear shades of brown, that flatter my Trakl heart mood: an ankle-length fifties-style skirt made of rust-brown woven fabric with a kind of flowery lace pattern and a silky petticoat. A dark brown one, chestnut brown sweater and my gold covered tiger eye heart on the neck. I wear large hoop earrings with dangling star clasps on my ears. These hoops break my mature edgy look, da sie voll aus meiner Jugend-Trashi-Zeit stammen. I tied my hair to two buttons at the back of my head, since they openly reflect Trakl's mourning too strongly in slack languor. Ich bin so unsäglich müde von diesen kleinen 47 Years, straight. Aber auf diese Müdigkeit habe ich noch nie was gegeben. Es geht um eine andere Kraft, a force, mit der ich mir selbst Leben in Augenblicken verheissen kann … ist es noch möglich?
It's warm enough, to go barefoot. I had two coffees and one Trakl poem each, Camus, Read Dickinson and Parker, outside at the yellowed patio table.
My neighbor S. goss ihre Blumen und fragte, ob ich was brauche, sie gehe einkaufen. I said: And. Gerne ein Brot und ein Bund Bananen.
(22.3.2022)