The idea, with a “Testimony” to start.
But right back down to the idea, the reflex, that it's not worth it.
I mean, certainly not under such a title.
I can't find a suitable German translation; testimony?; No, certainly not.
manifestation? Manifestation? Rather …
And yet … what might this manifestation look like?
I can not—- Not, when I remember it, with what insane strength I face more than twenty
years in my novel projects—- into this babushka stuffing.
It is —- seems to me —- like I can't do anything anymore —–
without being mad. Irr, lost, twisted, deluded, in the intoxication ….. kissed by false muses, driven by visions …. etc.
It needs this again! 'Cause I've come to my senses. To sad reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The gift, to be mad again. Or just start a story, which is not mine. (but how?)——
I made it difficult for myself, too difficult. Why didn't I just copy a phone book?
Conceptual Art oder so was. A good, have a clever idea. That's not my thing either.
——Mainly uninvolved. Impossible—– ok, so not that either.
A really big new project—- would be like: get a third life, for free …. OH Gott!———————— some BODY PLEASE!
manifestations of …. already dropped. Reason has strengthened in me over feeling.
And the feeling …. what can you achieve with it?? Pahh! Please, to be mad again!!!!!!
Please, not to be thrown into the realistic freezing cold of the world, not waking up on and on ….
…. also besides me …. in this world ….. (disclaim any responsibility!)
Because or although (Word construction of R.R., that I like! Or did he copy them from Werner Schwab?)
Zwaraber: I already know ( at last, at last), what they used to say to me: that the I is a dead end.
That there really is no copyright, because it already exists somewhere or everywhere, what I hurt,
what I perceive etc.— kinda like that.
Drop right back! no story, no me, no subject ….. but maybe an old phone book
copy, no idea. I can't work by hand, so I had to be decadent.—– That's a task!!!!!
It's a little, like if you had to become a ski jumper! Dies war so, and done!
Ten years of training, maybe more. Then a jump—- high, maybe, but unfortunately not far enough.
Or you're about to cut off a leg. —-
what is so?
I do not know …..
—— Don't create mental coherence, sorry. Bluuuute antiquated.——
Also:
There is everything else.
And. but today, half asleep, I thought about it: there is only me, and everything else
only exists in my imagination; the Internet, the war on the internet, the virus on the internet, The people, the
get together and talk in sterile brussels arenas, im Internet …. advertising and clothes, nothing but clothes, Were,
Products …. that flare up for me… in Masks…. born on the internet …. Arte media library, Series with people, die in Paris
go to the shrink and tell him about her life, a living of a living on the internet, actor, who play a role, on the internet and another in life, tell stories, stories, and so on …. Reports from all over the world, overgrown with coca plants and cashless transactions … there is everything on the internet ….. but it's so wacky, That can't have sprung from my lame imagination …
….. the world, in this box ….
And also the nearer so far away, so unbelievable, that you have to stay confused: Wheelchairs and the big yellow mail truck with the packages, the sheep and nature, which colors and grows, the bells at half past seven in the evening and the ducks, they sometimes crow up from the river…. but yes, it's a bit, but no; it doesn't feel like that. Also:
Was “testify”, then?
The Ducks, who sometimes let out a high-pitched scream, up from the river below!!!
It's nothing! It was nothing! ——
I can't sleep and I feel uneasy, i think about it: that everything went like this, as I thought;
that nothing big can happen in my life, Not, when this perspective forces itself on me from the other pole …..
And, I mean: the ontological. Still. The life, invented and thought out of non-being.
Or played and staged. So, how you do it. (Im Internet, in the stories, that they tell each other for a lifetime).
Or felt. like i did—– (Without story)
Testimony for worms in soil.
Testimony for puddle angle (im Internet)…..
But nooo: we are not dada or gaga! We're so slippery, I do not know, what else it can endure.
Had Sennett with me yesterday “great moment” listened. A star, who strayed into the internet? How did he get there??!
Sennett, who says all this and says it again, what makes a world, which WOULD be touchable, a world of hands and heads ….
an ancient organic world.
… and, from hand! (craft!) Such a smart old wise man, who is a musician at heart, but because of an injury (at hand) could not become a cellist. Where else are there people like him?? sociologists, the musicians. Sennett: “Next to the opera is a baker and a nail salon, and in front of it teenagers cavort!”
Oh, just awesome! The public square according to Sennett.
——
Eben, discomfort, and, restlessness; as I said: because 47 Years ….. and it's just the picture of a not-so-exciting midsummer night's party,
that swims past my inner eye, lame: I'm probably about eighteen and after the exit somewhere in the garden one
landed on another exit. It's pitch black, but under a dizzy moon the pool glitters. Clink beer bottles.
Now! Jan makes a head dive, and, along with the clothes!!¨It had to happen that way! Jaaan, this muddlehead. And otherwise?
Just it …. some kind of cursed magic! And yet: one night, that counts!
Irrsein. And a secret, that had not yet been aired.
—-
Good! A secret! I praise a secret!
come back, secret! Find a corner of the earth!
(15.4.22)