9.2.2024
Good afternoon Mr. St.,
I filled out your questionnaire and researched the term alexithymia. It was translated as “emotional blindness.”. How much I don't know, whether I am emotionally blind or a master of intuition, For me, this is also evident in the questions in this questionnaire. Unclear or multiple interpretations of the terms make some questions unanswerable for me or the answer would not correspond to them, what I mean:
1.) question 4: It's often unclear to me, what I'm feeling right now and all other questions regarding feelings
I cannot answer these questions, as long as I don't know, whether my feeling is just a sensory perception, when and how and in what interaction feeling with cognition (mental processing) takes place, and how one should weight the “horizon of experience”., which causes one to do so, to draw a conclusion from the cascade, which one then probably translates into an emotional level. In other words: If stimulus sensor, Signal transmission, Becoming aware, Reflex and conclusion (hereby feeling as a construct such as:. Good) occur at the same time, (Where?), then I cannot answer these questions based on my “feelings”..
I distinguish between different forms of physical pressure, which has never stopped since my childhood and with mine (early) Tod (probably a stroke) will end. I knew the feeling in my childhood: Fear of death. I always had it consistently at school. It was a physical sensation (Sweat, heart palpitations, can no longer think, be paralyzed etc., blush etc.) Besides fear, Fear of death and pressure, which I also include despair – all physical perceptions, which I describe with a jackhammer – I still know the pleasure, a sensory perception.
Strictly speaking, I only know two sensual stimuli, Perceptions, antagonists and gods, who could, in principle, be friends: Eros and Thanatos. Eros is soft in the body and goes far, has the ability to penetrate into the cell, It is therefore subtle and gross at the same time. Thanatos is black and hard. Is that incomprehensible, is the origin and the end and the motivation of fear. Thanatos is the god, that paralyzes you, to carry out any deed here in the world. But he would also be a kind God, as long as people would let him and introduce him to Eros. But they don't do that. Eros itself is the connection and solution to all material suffering. But in the end, death is stronger than love. That's why life is a never-ending struggle. In a year I will ——————- Then I will no longer have access to Eros, because Eros is linked to external beauty. For me it was also an attempt, to somehow work out forms of beauty for myself, to at least at the level of pure —————————— to be succesfull, pointless, because I did not gain any social capital because of my physical illness, which dominated my life from my twenties onwards. It is called myalgic encephalomyelitis and is genetically related to autism.
The term alexithymia means, How I see, also, that you don't understand non-verbal gestures and facial expressions. That's not the case for me at all. In most, or at least many (You don't always have to exaggerate) I don't like looking at faces, because their gestures and expressions repulse me and therefore cause me physical pain, which I usually feel as a thousand needles in my sola plexus. I also feel happiness as a thousand needles, just like fear, which, fortunately, I hardly feel anymore, since I have nothing to fear anymore and already live in Hades.
I'm trying, as long as I can remember, express myself with my facial expressions, in addition to verbal articulation, I think, I have very finely crafted facial expressions, but the others, I agree, have only rudimentary facial expressions, which is why they have left me hanging for decades with their rudimentary charisma, I mean, basically, and, you do that.
So I think so, Alexithymie, No, it can't be, Most others probably have that. Because let’s be honest: it's a feeling, to rejoice in a presidential election? Is it a feeling, clapping at a football match, etc.
Feelings can occur on an absolutely subtle and invisible level (the body) play. And you just don't see them or you have to discover them first.
But most people come to me without an aura, mechanistic, intangible.
Who are you? The, what the code prescribes? (There are many linguistic phrases contained in this codex, which was never properly and literally explained to me!)
Also: and, I don't understand or understand the codex. I don't understand simple rules. I can't calculate, don't think logically. I can only ask and describe.
So am I emotionally blind or am I the opposite? Was I?. Once emotionally blind or the opposite? I was stupid! That much is certain.
2.) question 13: Do I analyze problems or just describe them??
I can not answer. What is my thinking? I can even think? How does my thinking come about?? Methinks, I can not think! So how am I supposed to be able to analyze?? Don't you have to describe something and put it into words, before you can even analyze it? When are you ready?, that you can move from describing to analyzing? My thinking is always racing, before I finish it. always! Thinking is an adventure. I love thinking, I hate thinking.
3.) All questions about daydreaming (often daydream, and, No, sometimes, rather, rather not, not at all:
I can not answer, as long as it's unclear to me, which means “daydreaming.”. Just dreaming can mean many things. Basically I think, that I haven't had a single dream for decades. So I guess I can't daydream either. And what I actually do in my brain while I'm lying there, I actually don't know either. I used to have visions. From then on 13. For example, I had a year of age. the vision of writing a novel or doing something else, that makes me better “conveyed”
. But because I can't think in a structured way, Apparently there is now 50 different versions of my novel, (That's what my ex-ex says, the Germanist) and only the latest version survives, before disappearing into another one. I think
Not, that I would have such a problem, to write my novel, if I could think properly and be normal like other people (normal writers, students or humanities scholars). I was never able to get an education because of my difference and stupid stupidity.
Also, Daydreaming: No. I will not do that. I have concrete ideas. Or at most wishes. For example, being allowed to leave with Exit, because I'm away from my body, the greatest despot, that there is, can't get a divorce.
I apologize, that I couldn't answer all the questions. I'm just breaking the institutional framework, which doesn't make me any less pathetic and needy.
PS: Now, after I wrote these lines, I'm sure again, that I am a borderliner, (although you deny that) a border crosser, a person of extremes! Even though I'm probably one of the more reflective borderliners, I'm not capable, Separate thinking from impulses, because I do not know, whatever comes to me first, and I live and feel in constant chaos, that I only expand with words and more words....
but it is quite possible, that autism first appeared in childhood. Or it was already myalgic enecephalomyelitis. One thing is certain, that I simply couldn't do the simplest things like counting sticks on my own. And preferred to draw tons of “heads”., with whom I spent afternoons walking and talking in the forest. The worst were the children's birthday afternoons, because you had to play games there, who would have betrayed me as an idiot. This disability then became performance anxiety, which is similar to death, which completely disabled me and later my adolescent vision became something “original”, To do “big things”.. To do this, I first had to become a borderliner and develop the necessary beliefs and personality traits!
Since I know psychological states of excitement, can I say, that even these are peanuts compared to the physical crises, the pain of weakness and the torturous sensitivity to stimuli of myalgic encephalomyelitis. ‚ME is living Death.’
Borderline Personality Disorder was just my male power, with which I survived. But if you finally take her away from me, because it is no longer true or simply no longer fashionable, In the end it doesn't matter anymore.
Thank you for your attention,
and kind regards
nameless
Marion Jeanne Suter