To this singular tremendous pain, which I thought was unique, new pains and annoyances have gradually come at last, caused by other people or interactions. I'm happy, that the pain expands into a swamp, that it detaches itself from its origin and cause and fills me like a dull, all depressing wine. I do not forget, but as expected, things happen here and there, that bring new trouble and distraction. Any pain is fine with me, which lays itself over the causal one, every annoyance, that I experience with people, preferably intense, is fine with me! I want to be so full of pain at the end, that he no longer has an origin and the trace to the day, as he gaped, because I had lost the only man who was, at least in part, beguilingly empathetic, has entered into an indistinguishable dull burning. Even the smallest disappointment hits the mark, which I a single genuine, intimate encounter, I'm full of smaller bullet holes than this wound, which is now to lose its complete self-sufficiency and be disfigured, as I said, through more interpersonal bullshit (my inability is part of it!) Endless disappointments. It's current, as if the sacred prayer figures fell from their galleries, the ancient biblical faces of humility and gentleness, that lets time stand still and appeals to reason. I entered and became part of a frenzied environment, constantly swimming away from its core, that never arrives and is there. people surround me so close, We live studio and studio, body to body, fast, but there is no access to each other, no real arriving and staying together. This strengthens the feeling of a foreign body in me, who i am, squeezed tightly and anonymously into the others, spatial, who are also foreign bodies to me, although they are human. And that's why I say it: rather than freeze in this constellation, I want encounters, who reabsorb and spank me with their inadequacy, I'll take it all, I want to soak myself in it. I just don't want to be alone and be reminded of it, that what i lost, was unique in its preciousness, in all its imperfection, including its thorns. I can not understand, No, this interpersonal wasteland for years and as an alternative, an alternative, that I couldn't choose, rather, to which I fell blindly. Everything, what has happened since, is without power, without touch except the pain. I can't stop, never again breathed out in lust and delight. so please: give me as much pain and trifles as possible. If there is no happiness with another human being for me, I never want to be able to think and feel clearly again. If I could run through life and get completely lost and lost until the last moment, get involved and get lost in huge ones, incessant and meticulous trifles. I wish I had, in Gottesnamen, a duty, which completely exhausts me.