always, if i try, to live, I realize, that that doesn't work, that the circumstances are so, that life (verb) leads to mental despair within a short space of time, not only, because I don't meet the physical requirements, to relax or have fun let alone enjoy myself on a high level, rather, because the social institutions, that it needs, to live, are simply no longer given. I don't mean to say, dear Raven, that there can be no pleasure with a physical battery loaded 15% to tear something, it just doesn't make sense anymore, mostly. I have to lie down so often, can't live, never get started, always waiting…..may experience, have to, what it means, to be….
….just to be…..
….it is arguably beyond the experience of a meditator, only for a limited time, can dive into being or out of it…
It's a burden, just to be….to be there mentally. always.
But precisely this privilege of being….oblivion…. of drowning in being, no therapy for him, no end to physical torment, only death can give another movement, I'm just fed up….
I have forced words and thoughts from this being, I worked. when i was working, I was no longer in being. And that's a fact, unable to write anymore, because I simply don't have any more material, a guarantee for complete disorientation, Excessive tension and despair in being. I don't want any more free time, which I can't use. I don't want any more sub-challenges (mentally), while there is a constant physical threat of being overwhelmed.
Raven! I want to work. And then die. And don't feel again in between, in what emotional loneliness I tormented and tore myself. I no longer want to be reminded of the potentials, that a repetitive moment with a rich person might bring upon me, what I would experience, when I worked for money, and I should and should connect with Allen. Raven, do something together!
No. There is no way out, rationally speaking, Unless I can work myself to death my way (but that doesn't work, because I don't have any more stuff). Or at least you give my spirit your wings from time to time……