But the greatest danger does not come from the hours of lack of strength, but from these moments, in which I foolishly feel a roaring and at the same time fermenting power in me!
I do not know, how this perception comes about! Because objectively and measurably there is no force left, to feel such a force.
And so I wonder, what it is and where this erroneous perception comes from. Ultimately, it is present in the muscles. But it's also clearly not a nervous stamina….
It can only be about the breakdown product adrenaline over and over again, I've been slipping on for almost thirty years….
Paradoxically, where almost no adrenaline could be measured in the saliva, and neither does cortisol, Serotonin and dopamine…
The neurotransmitters, whatever you can imagine by that, sind low, the main hormone, the sleep wake hormone cortisol, is low to undetectable,
But I don't know, why I can keep burning and raging inside, because the most elementary power was drawn from me in such a way and for reasons that are still unexplained, and this stands in the greatest contrast to my hunger for the depth of life!
But this power, this imagination of strength, Crouching like a lion in my inflamed brain, she brings the dis-aster over me.
In these fits of imaginary strength, I find myself so cut off from my possibilities, because in those moments there is nothing, I can't conjure up a social and pulsating life for thirty minutes, I don't get within range of those connections, which I had to systematically clear up over the years, not a single person is there, who then picks me up and takes this strength away from me….
….this burden.
That sucks, then. And luckily I always crash. always. And getting harder.
(18.2.2021)