Raven! Now, since i see, what love joins my love, something has changed in me, and I ask out into the blue:
Can you love someone, who didn't fit you at all? And if yes, why then, has it been done for so long?? I see and recognize, by seeing these admittedly superficial images, that I am, who didn't fit a man, of my kind, my personality, my love and infatuation with reflection and thoroughness, my kind of slowness and contemplation, my kind of deep seriousness, of cruelty, directness, audacity, my property, to demand a great deal of closeness and intimacy, to be a demanding woman in love itself, not in the trimmings, how to live together, what to do etc.
I had to see these pictures, after four years, in which I loved this man, to understand, that I could no longer be loved by this man, because I am like that, like I am, Not, because i'm wrong (although he constantly tried to formulate it that way and aimed at the negative of my quality), rather, because he simply identifies with other values or characteristics?
I'm confused. So far, that's just the impression I got, that I was replaced. But now I think, that the man, who i loved, really looking for something different. It still remains a mystery to me, why he then initially snuggled up to me and tried, to curl up and win my love? He should have known and felt, that I'm not that, what he is looking for. I still feel like a victim on this point, a test subject, and exploited. Because I don't always show everything, right at the beginning, Am I not this personality from the start?, to which you either say yes, correct, or no (like most do).
But maybe I'm wondering now, why did I feel this love so deeply and shatteringly, to a man, who was always halfway gone and looking for a more suitable one, which I did feel and which filled me with anger, understandably, because as said, Raven, I'm demanding in love, i love love, not the trappings. But I fell in love with this man, I suppose, because there was something about him, in expression and externally, that seemed lovely and childlike to me. He touched me, i thought he was cute. And all this together, as little as it is, why does it only happen to me every ten years?!
And then, once it happens, I fall in love with a person, who doesn't suit me at all, who has no patience and desire for my world, why did i goddamn spend so much on one person, who was always walking was emotional ….
This experience was late, maybe too late in my life. I was already seriously ill. And now I look back at an error and have none, who I can blame for that, Raven! So I'm trying to tell myself, that love can haunt you like this, that you definitely want and have to give them to someone, who doesn't want it or can't accept it. And that you can't do otherwise, than to finish this process with yourself, through all the bitter times. I'm going through hell, because I loved deeply, because I loved late, because I hadn't had a partner for nine years before that. Because love is rare for me….
I am in pain, Flashsbacks, it feels like a trauma, I do not know, if i survive it. Because, dear Raven, in my case it's not like that, that there is a suitable person for me! I do not think so, that I could look for someone, select by properties. Is there a man?, who lives like me? Somehow on the same wavelength with me and my feelings, thinking and being? This could be anyone and nobody. And yet I don't know, what makes love, which breaks out in me like a natural wonder, I am so unique and so different, that I could no longer look for or suspect a man anywhere, I always have been …. I consider myself an intellectual, and yet I am a thousand years removed from the species, how academic intellectuals talk ….
I think, and, for me it ends here, with this trauma of yet another error, my love life. It is strange, that it happened, Raven. My sorrow is deep and seems endless, because i believed, I can let my intuition guide me, to a human. That I only get close to one, who really treats me that way, that I will not suffer any serious injuries. But I'm not sure either, if my own intuition was failing me, maybe, because in a way I can't choose a person, because for me there are no criteria for the other, just that level of warmth ….
I could only follow my intuition and decide for myself, whether this unknown man, whose inner workings I hardly knew, feels good, I felt, that I can't trust him, this feeling never went away, and on this point my intuition did not fail me, but that didn't change the flood of tenderness and love, which the sight of him evoked in me for four years. Whom can or should I damn for that? i need your advice, Raven! You as a bird might know how to help me ….
Can or must I say, that this was my love, and that she was allowed to be? that I carried them within me? And that the beauty of it all was nonsense, that I could love? For me this love was sacred, because I thought, 2018, that I might die of ME soon, she was precious to me every moment and afflicted with the weight of this legacy …..
The times, where you can laugh and have fun with me, were long gone. I felt solemn, sincerely.
And now I see a happy face at this man's side, and i recognize, that I definitely died for him. And I want to detach my own memory from this story, primarily out of vanity, but I do not know, if i can. Because, and, Raven, as you know, for me there is no departure into another existence …. I'm here and I haven't experienced anything since this love, that this experience puts me in the shade, my life is uneventful, I lie in bed … I am thinking …..I have the most troublesome symptoms …. I can't go, don't float away ….
Raven! There are only two options for me, to survive this trauma: either I'll find out something, that a healthy relation to this trauma can be established, an experience, which reveals itself to me as a new reality, who challenges me, into which I can enter. I need it, that something is happening in my life now, something occurs, that is strong and deep! But constructive!
And if this is not possible, then, Raven, only death remains for me.
Not, because that love was imperfect and one-sided, because it ended bitterly, where I desperately needed perfect love, at this point in my late life, No, Not, or in any case, not just because of that, only death remains for me, but because I'm not in this dependency, in this standstill, on this edge, alone, in loneliness and isolation, can go on without deep social impact and without artistic recognition. Of course it is, that the emotions and the pain, who is still making a fuss, eventually subsides, and that I'm back as before – these four years ago – could lead a busy life in bed …. sicker and more restricted, then at that time, but free and without annoying disruptive factors, alone with my imagination and the image of nature. Like an old man, he knows, that this is all, and everything, what comes with it, just slash one.
But I can't go back there. I don't want to return to this vacuum. Maybe that's why I can't let go of the pain, because I can hardly think about it, how many years i spent alone, alone and apart, only with writing, without love, long walks and being free …. and how I tolerated those years …. but now, In hindsight, I no longer tolerate them. Raven! I know, that death alone could set me free from this unfortunate hellish pain, I mean, death as an idea alone could melt my pain down to a little pain:
When I won't be there anymore, I will have no memory of all the traumas of my life. The fights would be seen from death, be absurd, unnecessary, even that of love!
In that sense, I'm immature, still, I'm not up to life, No. But how am I supposed to die after so many mistakes and traumas?, without finding a single sense of achievement in the error chain?
How am I supposed to die like this?, with that stone on your chest, that crushes me day and night?
Is that maybe the reason, why do you die? Because you are defeated by life?
Raven! Why should I die?, if i was happy? If I had the chance, to literary success?
If I had the chance to get therapy for this nagging disease? If I had the chance, to be loved by someone, like I am?
And now I have to cry again, Raven, lots, many streams long. Raven, bleib da! Sit on the Pallas Athena! look down on me! you are my raven, you comfort me, you know lenor, you know Nevermore. You are smart and funny. Don't leave my side.
(29.6.22)