Jeanne Stürmchen, Steckweg 3 3014 Bern
24. 9. 1999
Dear Doctor,
Sicher denken Sie jetzt: At, No! Now she's stealing my private time too, this clean gang! Zeit haben Sie nicht. Sie ist Ihnen immer zu knapp. Even during the meeting, your gaze is caught in the diary most of the time. Hope so, that at least one patient for the next day, the coming week still bounces off? I am that patient, doctor, rest assured, I can't come next week! I'm just looking for a lost declaration of love for my life, after your soul knight PSYCHOPHARMAKA made me vomit last night. And I saw twice. A, don't know what kind of psychological monster concentrate fired me against this tiny little one, chemical pills, I felt a tube in my throat, Twisted and knotted ten times… No, I can’t swallow this pill with the best will in the world! Can't be in the three and a half million, the, like you said, this pill every day, almost for pleasure, take in. All in all, I am already very disappointing, I have to admit it. Not least, because I would have loved it, once to belong to a family ... a genus or species from the family … the ... as it was called … we say: Psychiatric feasts! Dark cloud eater! Straight ahead! So to speak! Well, I'll stay miserable for a lifetime now?
I hope not! And remain
Sincerely yours, Jeanne Stürmchen
Bern, the 22.10.99
Dear Doctor,
Unfortunately, I cannot send you the requested CV yet, since I have to write it first! Respectively I'm afraid, I can't write my résumé yet, because I have to live my life first! Before I even have anything like a run in life! With writing, that you asked me to do, next to the work measures, By the way, things are going downhill. I must say, I would like to poke an ear. But there is something, I'll never make it: the Ton, that I was born with, to a market, we even say, a literature market, cut to size. You know, in a way i would like to be you! Then I would like a big one, blank book, all of your patients' thoughts and revelations, their great messing up - I mean, you are, such internal effusions, entrusted to you by total strangers? - to a single one, Weave together as endless a narrative thread as possible. Then I would tell the story, which results from the narrative thread, Bring you, and you could then by means of your many years of professional training, among others at the Psychologic Institute in America, filter a personality structure. Einen Menschen aus dem Flickteppich inklusive einer Diagnose!
I mean the disease of this patchwork person longing? I mean insecurity? Call it procrastination, Be prevented, Storminess? Life?
Leider weiss ich mit knapp Zweiundwanzig immer noch keinen Beruf, that could suit me in terms of clothing. It's just too bad, that I am not a piece of clothing! I was thinking in the Globus department store today, When I stood by the stockings. Incidentally, I was just turning away in front of a mirrored shelf, because i believed, i would have you, doctor, a few meters behind me, also before the (male) Discovered stockings.
The problem with the stockings is mine, that I always get a big hole in the big left toe after the third day. The problem with the socks, however, that I have right and left of it, but a lot, lots … Verstreute … lost … Why actually, doctor, it is so difficult to find the right sock, that matches a left sock, What do you mean? Let's look into this problem once? I mean, not in the warehouse now, not in the expensive globe! But with you, comfortable, in practice.
Best regards, Jeanne Stürmchen
4.3.2000, Bern
Dear Doctor,
My subject in the letter: How, do you believe, should i love it, that feels inside of me, when the world doesn't love it? I'm fucking angry right now, because to me the world in everything, what shape I imagine for her, Mode, Seductiveness and beauty, joke, Drama, pain, Enjoyment etc., just disobeyed! She wants to go to the dogs in pure functionality, There you are! But I'm starving! After a whole, very serious pleasure!
Oh yes, something else: Somehow I still don't know, what kind of gainful employment I could do. You asked me the other day, to think about it, whether I get the job at Ryffliyhof, Coop City, Department store, does not want to accept. However, I've come to the end: i'm too lively, too bulky to be on the assembly line, speak; to stand at the cash register! Of course I know, that something other than the retail trade or at best a hairdressing apprenticeship in the second course does not correspond to my school level. But you know: I'm almost terrified of losing my life as a cashier in a large department store! I just want to go there, to shop for beautiful dresses, which I put on in an instant, where my life matters! Und ich etwas von mir bieten kann, may and must!
Wowowowow! What a superficial goose I am! doctor! But when I sit at the cash register in a department store and type in amounts and say hello and goodbye for eight hours a day, almost every hour I feel an unspeakable fear deep inside me! The death, who almost always speaks through my fragile body, then lie in wait for me with all your might, under extreme discomfort! I could have the miserable treasure trove of my life, that I can't look for in this time, because paid work prevents me from doing it, to lose! Forever!
The job requires all my physical and nervous strength, but I cannot be, without chasing anything like the miserable treasure of my life, to search, to surround!
doctor, if I had enough physical strength I would sit at the cash register eight hours a day and search for life, that I may never find, den Lohn kassieren. And then I'd hop around for the next eight hours, kiss a little, and eight hours of free cashing on top of that! And all of that would make a lot of sense in the Force!
You say, it is now, mit Zweiundzwanzig langsam an der Zeit für mich, grow up. And, gut, I'm late, you're right. But I don't want to give up my free pasture spots, just to function on the same level as the “big ones”. I would have that bad feeling, I only do this to please them! They would only applaud, because I work like them, was, even if I tried so hard, would never be the case. But I want to please them in a completely different way. You know what I mean, doctor?
Sincerely, J. Storm
11.3.2000
Good day doctor,
I am happy to remind you, that we on 8. 3. had an appointment. That date was the day before yesterday! Unfortunately, I was unable to keep this appointment. Though you always say, that you take me on my life path, how it unrolls in front of me, support, last time you criticized me. Sharp! That I still don't have a job and no clear career prospects or concrete ideas, how I will earn my life in the future. That was the point of criticism! So you told me, if not directly, but definitely through the FLOWER, that it's better, when i have the time, that I spend with it, To describe my moods to you in curvy letters, invest in applications. “Otherwise we will lose our time here!”, they said. And I realized, how you scattered one, almost dispossessed look at your fat, threw waterproof wristwatch. OTHERWISE WE WILL LOSE OUR TIME HERE. DOCTOR! First time: WHERE do we lose our time?! And secondly: You know exactly, that I have no time to waste, but only life! So I ask you politely, not from “We” to speak, when you speak of yourself, which I suspect hard, if you say: “… Otherwise we will lose our time!” And with one so distracted, almost fearful gaze to look at your sealed underwater watch, that one might think, All your sovereignty and professionalism, with which you provoke me, tickle out, upset, make aggressive, in the good motherly attempt, To let myself down on the rope through therapy …. against money, suddenly got lost. doctor, What do you have to lose?
Dear Doctor,
Problems are pending. So I want you again “to honor”. So I stand in the bathroom with my mouth open as much as possible and point the flashlight at my ulcerated tonsils. Seit einem Monat versuche ich vergeblich den leuchtenden Fliegenpilz mit dem schönen Frauennamen „Angina“ mittels einer Antibiose aus der Sprühdose, Scrapers and stalks of my favorite Pralinato Frisco ice cream! Be ready, doctor, me a medical certificate, which family doctor Schlappbach kindly issued to me for two weeks, To be extended “until further notice”? I know, the question comes at a stupid moment, when I only started the one-year additional course to become a doctor's secretary at the Feusischule a week ago. I mean, I, she, my close relatives, everyone around is happy about this ingenious practical twist, that i mean, I completed my training as a ready-to-use secretary four years ago but can still combine it with a fascinating subject! (Terminology instead of accounting! Association customers instead of numbers!) In principle, everything went well up to and including the introductory round, than being twenty-two, partly a bit older, more bulky, often meched girls, presented in turn: “My name is so and so. I was born there and there. Have so and so many children. I worked here and there ... ", said, for example, the first secretary, before passing the ball to the second secretary, who sat right next to her. This said: “My name is so and so. Come from there and there. Am that and that ... “, etc. , Then this secretary passed the ball on to the next secretary in line. (because that's how we sat, in rows!) “I am … I'm coming … I was … I'm going!”, said this secretary. But so sovereign, so smooth in sound and tone, like clockwork, so that I secretly thought in cold blood with admiration: 'She is already a seasoned woman in her field, through and through!’ Also hatten sich zwanzig … einundzwanzig Sekretärinnen durch und durch, brilliante Telefonistinnenstimmen, Machine speakers, with name, place of residence, Civil status, Alter, former jobs, Divorces etc. presented ... with everything, what goes with the perfect idea! ... almost like in a choir! … als die Reihe plötzlich an mir war. Und ich unerhört … Schiss bekam! The fever got in my head, the glowing throat hurt me. I fished for a sentence, a set of ideas, scraped at it, lost him, brooded on my speckled throat and the question, how long that would take, around. I forgot that too, when someone called from afar: "What's your name?“And from still further away a voice said, strange and mumbling: “Angina!”
25.10.2000
Dear Doctor,
Have you already found out? Nothing came of my doctor's secretary course. This is probably due to the * tax point system and not my absence due to illness. Now the next step is about it, to reassess my professional aptitudes as a commercial clerk and, in particular, to take a close look at my logical skills. All of this happens in an employment program, that I will start on the coming thirtieth. Because this employment program was engineered by you, among others, I'm sure you understand, if I postpone our appointment from the twenty-ninth indefinitely.
Also completely different, sometimes more serious occupations, Feelings and thoughts, which occupy me a lot at the moment, need postponed, be employed at the back, for the time being: A: That I want to love with a kind of passionate intensity. B: That I want to live and that nothing and nobody should restrict me or stop me, in my endeavor to live my life, the way I want it. C: That the work or my future acquisition, however, frayed this life and chopped it up into small pieces, by diverting a massive amount of energy from me for other purposes, like i'm a gas pump. So that I have this energy and strength for the other, the TRUE, is no longer freely available.
Well worth the effort of this force? Isn't it worth it? Is it congruent? Or I will in the end, in particular, physically, have to pay? D: That my heart, this little motorized dwarf is contracting. E: dilatiert… F: suspends. G: Oh wonder! H: That under the circumstance of my mortality I can no longer do anything, No, nothing! I: That me a psychiatrist with all these feelings and thoughts, which I hereby conjure up again, but from now on put in the drawer, can't help.
So the most elementary things are not yet settled, when I start my employment program on the coming thirtieth, fifty percent, Working days: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday - phew! – und man mit einem passenden Eignungstest hoffentlich herausfindet, whether there are still any skills in me, that you can use.
…. KLMNOPQRSTUVWXY… Z… Doctor: WITH!
Best regards
Jeanne Stürmchen